Anger starts with YOU.
Only YOU can make YOURSELF angry because YOUR thoughts direct YOU to angry feelings. Notice the word YOU appears four times in capitals in the introduction.
So, anger is when your tongue works faster than the mind.
Can you recall the number of times we have cursed the toaster, the car, the traffic lights and our own personal computer when it does not work?
It usually starts with the computer screen freezing, cursor not moving and we are unable to do anything but listen to the hum of the machine.
Some would usually start giving the monitor some slaps accompanied by expletives (cursing and swearing) in the hope it would 'wake up' and start working.
Naturally, the computer will not do as we scream at it. In fact, the problem seems only to worsen and it crashes more often!
Fortunately, getting angry at an inanimate object is not as bad as getting angry with people.
Unchecked anger spoils relationships as I have come to realise.
Some people have short fuses and explode at the slightest provocation. At times, I find myself bottling up anger and controlling this fuse in favour of keeping my relationship with the other person.
When facing angry people, I follow four simple rules.
- I never argue with angry person as I'm more likely to get angry myself and thus will not be persuasive.
- I do not interrupt the other as anger should be let to run its course.
- Stay loose. Listen patiently.
- Lastly, if things get from bad to worse, draw the line and walk away.
Angry thoughts are more often that not triggered when one has experienced a stressful day.
If you've been busy the whole day, try tensing and relaxing parts of your body as is often done in yoga and other exercises to release tension in the muscles.
Some distancing is needed for things to get better. Like the computer, while waiting for it to reboot, perhaps doing something else like making a drink or just taking a stroll will help you think better thoughts instead of focusing on your anger.
Doing good deeds like making the drink for a colleague or family member would make this easier.
It is important to stop irritating yourself or adding more fuel to your anger.
Ask yourself what is it that is annoying you?
Go within to review what made you angry. Re-examine the real reason behind the bad mood. And then, smile for a moment, focus on something else and shift your mind to happier memories.
The person who is the most critical of you is yourself. While no one is perfect, we can strive for perfection.There are situations where we have little control like getting caught in a traffic jam.
Control how you respond. Pulling your head or feeling stressed will not help anyone or anything, much less make traffic move faster.
Take a deep breath and tell yourself, "I'm cool, calm and relaxed." Sing along to the radio or take a look at your surroundings. Go within and observe what is bothering you!
Chap 2
ANGER IS NOT ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE, ANGER IS ABOUT YOU
Imagine yourself stuck in a traffic jam with horns blaring away all around you. Finally after two hours you managed to get home only to find your kids bawling away while your spouse is nagging at you.
There's no food on the table yet and you are hungry. Anger slowly wells inside you. You feel the temperature rising and soon things are going to get ugly.
YES! Anger is all about you. Although it can be triggered by various outside factors such as traffic jams, provocative conflict situations, domestic violence and nagging but ultimately anger start and ends with you.
Anger is an uncontrollable “fire” in the mind. As long as it rages within you, it will destroy your relationships, career, health and inner peace.
SO WHAT WENT WRONG WITH ME?
Now imagine your house is on fire. What is the first thought that crossed your mind? Is it to put out the fire first or to chase after the suspected arsonist?
If you run after the person you suspect has burned your house, your house will burn down while you are chasing him or her.
That is not wise. You must go back and put out the fire. So when you are angry, if you continue to interact with or argue with the other person or punish the person, you are acting exactly like someone who runs after the arsonist while everything goes up in flames.
Anger is like electricity. It is powerful and useful but only if it is used intelligently. If we abuse our anger and do and say things it can change our lives completely. So, we must learn to stop ourselves from acting in a moment of madness.
Anger is your own enemy. It cannot harm you but it can hurt the people around you. Personlly speaking, it is understandable that you will always try to win no matter what. If you win a quarrel, you will feel satisfied but what about the other party?
Will they be able to accept it being people themselves? The relationship is damaged and the other party will always keep that lasting impression of you as an angry disagreeable person.
So how can you control your anger when another person is annoying you?
HOW TO CONTROL ANGER
A Vietnamese monk living in France once said to his students:
“Embrace your anger with a lot of tenderness. Your anger is not your enemy; your anger is your baby. It’s like your stomach or your lungs. Every time you have some trouble in your lungs or stomach, you don’t think of throwing them away. The same is true with your anger. You accept your anger because you know you can take care of it; only then you can transform it into positive energy.”
- When angry withdraw from the place. It is always a good idea to retreat from whatever that is aggravating you. If you are feeling a surge of angry energy when faced with a difficult subject, walk away. Do not stay near the subject that has provoked you. When you have retreated move to the next step.
- Cool your emotion. Give yourself a moment to calm down. Take a deep breath. Hold it in for two seconds then let go. Repeat it until you feel composed.
- Drink a glass of cold water and sit quietly in a place. Let the coolness of the water course through your body while you shut yourself in from your surroundings that may distract you.
- Take a brisk walk for a mile to get over your anger. Treat walking as a therapy session. During your walk, think about the consequences if you lash back angrily at the person.
- Now think about the constructive alternative to solving your problem. Weigh them during your walk and reflect on it.
- Stand before a mirror and look at your face. Is it still stuck in an angry grimace? Are your eyebrows still furrowed or has a serene composure taken over?
Have you heard of the half-life concept? It is a physics concept whereby an atom splits into two following a radioactive decay. The atom will continue splitting into 1/4 and then 1/8 and so on.
The same applies to the energy created when you are angry with someone. The negative energy will dissipate but will never go away. It will be there within your system no matter how small it is.
When the negative energy piles up it will present a lot of problem to one's health.
o Anger and agitation gets the blood heated up.
o It takes three months for the blood to cool down.
o Within that period, the nervous system become weaker and even the blood cells get destroyed.
o Weakness is aggravated and the memory power is reduced.
o Old age sets in prematurely.
By controlling anger you will be able to be more levelheaded, make better decisions and maintain more self-control. Guard your health by reducing the risks of blood pressure, cardiovascular disease and other stress-related illnesses like diabetes. Minus anger, you will have better relationships with others.
So go for the knockout blow and win the fight against anger. Cultivate unconditional love in the heart to eliminate anger. Nobody can live happily with anger.
The next time you are angry, tell yourself, “My dear anger, I know you are there and I am taking good care of you,” said the Vietnamese monk.
Chap 3
JOY OF FORGIVING
Throughout life people will make you mad. They will disrespect you and treat you badly.
Let God deal with the things they do because hate in your heart will consume you too -- lyrics from 'Just theTwo of Us' performed by Will Smith.
What happens when you don't forgive and carry that anger “baggage” with you?Anger, like other emotions, is accompanied by physiological andbiological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and bloodpressure goes up, as do the levels of your energy hormonesand adrenaline.
It can affect your health; as medical doctors and psychiatrists willtell you: "If you harbour anger, hatred, jealousy and animosity, youwill be more likely to be susceptible to heartburn, indigestion andhigh blood pressure."What happens when you forgive?Good thoughts bear good fruits, bad thoughts bear bad fruits."
Meditation and yoga gurus will tell you: "It will bring you joy and you will feel light hearted because you don't carry a heavy burden in your mind. Forgive with love in your heart.”
Just as we bathe and clean ourselves from the daily grime and dirt, we should cleanse our mind from negative thoughts. When you get rid negative of negative thoughts you will create moreroom for positive thoughts.
There is no greater wealth than a mind free of anger, jealousy, greed and other negative thoughts. Anger can be like powerful electricity that can do much destruction if not contained properly.
There are many ways to deal with anger.
- Counting from 1 to 10 and breathing calmly gives you time to relax.
- Talking it out can help resolve matters.
- Pouring out your feelings in writing helps diffuse the riling emotions in yourself.
When all else fails, and you are still angry, try to purge youraggression out by pounding on a pillow or a punching bag.
Physical exercises also are a good way to channel the negative energyinto good use.
A cold shower does wonders to suppress intense emotions including anger. Then it would be good for you to reflect on the reason behind your anger. Check on the thoughts that seem to trigger your fury and always remember to take time out.
Managing anger is important as it begins and ends with you. You maybe angry at your spouse or child, but eventually you become the victimof your own rage.
We can take a leaf out of the lessons learned by Robert Kiyosaki.(pix idea) Kiyosaki is a 59 year old personal finance guru who made millions through his "Rich Dad, Poor Dad " book series. He has been holding lucrative seminars around the world for more than 15 years now. Lessons he learned from both success and bankruptcy inspired him to become a "business educator", which sowed the seeds for his 1997 bestseller.
The book is a biographical account of learning about money from his "poor" father and a "rich" neighbour. Asian Wall Street Journal asked him how he kept his personal problem separate from work?
He responded: "Both my wife and I have a therapist -- our rule is, if we are upset with each other for more than 45 minutes, then I have to see my counselor, a sort of emotional coach to help get me through my anger. I don't think I'd be as successfully married if I didn't have someone else I could go talk to."
When asked, if he had any regrets, he said"I wouldn't change too much in my life. Not that I haven't made many mistakes, it's just that every mistake was valuable. The biggest, most humiliating experience was my bankruptcy. It was really tough to look at what was working and what was not working in my life."
This shows that Kiyosaki had contemplated his life and accepted the mistakes he made as life-learning lessons. He went within himself to relearn his mistakes, which is how he resolved the conflict within himself and surfaced triumphant.
Gautama Buddha in his great moment of meditation discovered the eightright-fold path in Buddhism.Under the bodhi tree in India 25 centuries ago, Buddha (pix idea)realized the three states of the mind that were the source of all our unhappiness: wrong-knowing, obsessive desire and anger.
All three are difficult to deal with, and anger is one of the most powerful that can ruin lives by promoting vengeance, keeping you trapped in a cycle of unhappiness. Not to forget, health and spiritual development can also be destroyed.
Chapter 4
A SLAVE TO ANGER
A man in shackles trudges slowly by. He walks with great difficulty because his legs are chained too and the chains are too short for comfort. That man's name is Anger and he is a slave. Your slave.
You may whip him as you wish. Kick him. Hit him. Because he is your slave.
But now the slave picks up the whip and he hits you instead. You cower in fear as Anger breaks free from his chains and pummel you repeatedly with his fists of fury. That is anger.
Slave to a slave.
Getting angry is like being a slave to a slave. Do you want to be a slave to your anger?
Many spiritual leaders and psychologists say that the root cause of anger is our "ego".
In modern-day society, ego has many meanings. It could mean one’s self-esteem; an inflated sense of self-worth; or in philosophical terms, one’s self.
However, according to Freud, the ego is the part of the mind which contains the consciousness. Originally, Freud had associated the word ego to meaning a sense of self; however, he later revised it to mean a set of psychic functions such as judgment, tolerance, reality-testing, control, planning, defense, synthesis of information, intellectual functioning, and memory.
It is similar with anger. Ego may make you angry which in turn will become the master and control you.
Slavery, which was abolished long ago, is bad enough. That is why it is incorrect to direct your anger towards another person. Some people turn to spirituality, meditation or religion to control their anger and find solace in it. Others read books and forget it the next day.
While there others who attend courses and forget two days later, inner happiness, which is the antidote to anger, can only be found within oneself. Patience, compassion and love for others will help people in understanding anger better.
When a person gets angry we say that he has lost his balance. The moment we begin to respect others as well as ourselves then we will be able to put into practice, "Treat others as how you would like to be treated."
Often we find that we always want to be in the right and the other party is wrong. This very view can wrought anger upon us.
Anger is also triggered when I exaggerate our difficulties. When this happens you will be sowing the seeds for anger to grow in yourself.
Therefore, when you face a problem, try to see the brighter side of it. When you harp on it, you will only make it worse. Instead, turn the problem into a lesson. Quit whining and change yourself for the better.
A guru once said, “Thinking of the mistakes of someone else, you can become angry. To face and resist a bad man you have to become even worse than him. So, be careful in pointing out the mistakes of others. If you point out the mistakes of others with one finger, three fingers point towards you.”
Statements that may provoke anger
Chapter 5
PRESIDENT WHO GOT CLAWED BY WIFE
The President of a leading nation stood before a press conference. While he was talking, the reporters noticed scratches around his neck above his collar.
Curious reporters soon after the press conference asked the press secretary what caused the bruises around his neck. The press secretary replied the President’s bruises occurred while he was shaving hurriedly to attend the press conference.
It was noticeable a series of vivid red crawled-like wound on his neck and face. The scratches were among unexplained cuts and bruises he had over the cause of his turbulent marriage.
Later as a reporter investigated further with the President’s office and security personnel, he was told that the First Lady had clawed him because he was seen with another woman the previous night.
This is a case of how the President’s wife vented her anger because she lost ‘cool’ of herself and decided to physically hurt her husband.
According to the Presidential staff, screaming, shouting, slamming doors were a norm for the First Lady. It was unfortunate the President had to take the brunt of his wife’s fury.
What has caused all this?
Anger.
This could be one of the main reasons the physical hurt and mental agony he had to live with. What provoked her to scratch or claw her husband is a case of her feeling insecure because the husband was unfaithful. It is ironical for one of the most powerful leaders in the world to be beaten up by his wife!
It is even more surprising the couple in their early fifties had lived through hair – trigger tempers for more than 20 years. The source of this ultimate suffering was because both parties were stuck to their point of views and lifestyle and never wanted to admit their mistakes, faults and weaknesses.
If the President appreciated his wife, she would be elated and smile from ear to ear. On the other hand if he noticed a fault with her, she became very insecure and abusive, lashing her tongue at the President.
Infidelity is the root cause and no wife will ever tolerate it! Why do people carry the pain of differences for so long?
It is understood that acceptance is better than distraction in dealing with pain. So what most couples do is to live with the anger instead of confronting it.
We end up seeing couples not talking to each other and doing things to spite each other off even when they still live together. And, this could ruin the entire relationship past a point of no return and hurt loved ones who are not involved directly.
What makes a relationship work?
- Don’t settle scores with others
- Talk it out with your partner
- Creating harmony in the family helps
- Learn to be a good finder and not a fault-finder
- Do not force your opinion on your partner.
- Focus on togetherness and not difference
Anger is a natural human emotion and is nature’s way of our perception of an attack or threat to our well being. The problem is not anger; the problem is the mismanagement of anger.
Mismanaged anger and rage is the major cause of conflict in our personal and professional relationships. Domestic abuse, road rage, workplace violence, divorce, and addiction are just a few examples of what happens when anger is mismanaged.
Anger is driving her, says expert article from The Malay Mail, April 7, 2008
RENOWNED psychiatrist Tan Sri M. Mahadevan classified Sufiah Yusof as someone who may be intellectually mature but not so on the emotional level. He said Sufiah "grew up too fast" with her unusual talent. But unfortunately, her life was too controlled by her father. Now at 23, she is completely different emotionally from others her age.
Sufiah's life was all about studying and achieving the best grades possible; and it paid off with her entry into Oxford University at age of 13. "That's definitely something to be proud of, but we don't know if that's what Sufiah had always wanted or was pressured into," he said.
Mahadevan believed that the unsavoury occupation Sufiah has chosen to venture into was not to seek money; it was more to spite her family. "When she was younger, she was unable to fight. So, as soon as she got the chance, she found something through which she could let out her pent-up frustration."
"People can only see what is in the open, no one knows what had happened between Sufiah and her father that resulted in such loathing," he said. "She was suffering from aggression that Led to depression, and finally found the means to let it out," he said.
There is also a possibility that she was frustrated with her mother too, for not being able see what was going on. He described Sufiah's character disorder is being akin to a moral insanity she had endured all her life. To make things worse, the sentencing of her father to 18 months jail at Coventry Crown Court for sexually assaulting two 15-year-old girls when he was home tutoring them may have been the final nail in the coffin.
Chapter 6
DIVORCE…DECISION…DESTRUCTION
A wife gets angry with the unfaithful husband and it results in a divorce. A multi millionaire husband gets angry in a board meeting, makes a wrong decision and losses a fortune. Their son gets angry with his sister and breaks her toys.
Every action ends up in a negative behaviour and the children have learned how to be angry like their parents. Anger can be experienced several different ways. You can feel angry with yourself for not having done well in the examination, or you can get angry with someone else or an object like your slippers, which made you fall down.
Whether you trip over a carpet or get angry with the shopkeeper, spouse or boyfriend it is anger caused by external circumstances or interaction with another person. Internal anger is directed at yourself for something that you have done yourself and blame yourself for causing it.
Anger is one of the most destructive emotions prevalent among human beings. When a person is in a state of anger or rage, he or she can unleash behaviour that can be aggressive or violent, and it is this that leads to destruction.
The next time you get angry look at your face in the mirror. Can you imagine how you would look ? You can be rest assured you are not the most beautiful person when you get angry because the cells and muscles on our face become tense and you are not presentable. Your face is like a bomb that is about to explode.
Try and objectively observe another person when he she or gets angry. When you see yourself all tensed up, you have a choice to change your character of getting angry or not getting worked by anger.
Think of it ... unchecked anger corrodes relationships. Some people have short fuses and explode at the slightest provocation. Others try to bottle up their rage, usually without success.
MANAGE ANGER : GO WITHIN
By choosing to manage your anger, you will be able to observe mindfully the painful circumstances that make you angry, and make an effort to change. As only you can observe the changes within your mind's eye, your personal effort can help in altering anger (negative energy) to being happy (positive energy).
Internalise, for a moment: "So, if I lose my cool I get angry. Your choice to get angry or not puts the responsibility for emotions squarely on your own shoulders. So, I don't be a prisoner and slave to my emotions."
One way to overcome anger is to write a journal. This is done with the INTENTION of finding a solution for the problem and COMMITTING yourself to finding it. It's no use keeping an anger journal for five years and keep getting angry the moment someone drops a glass.
Anger, unchecked corrodes relationships. Some people have short fuses and explode at the slightest provocation. Others try to bottle up their rage, usually without success. While there are others who attend courses and forget two days later.
Inner happiness, which is the antidote to anger, can only be found within oneself. Patience, compassion and love for others suffering will help people in understanding anger better.
From anger comes delusion, according to the ancient Vedas. A person in a state of anger does not think properly. That person's mind is carried away by the emotion of anger and such a one cannot see the consequences of his or her action. In this way delusion arises.
From delusion, loss of memory, from loss of memory the destruction of discrimination, and from destruction of discrimination one perishes.
Chapter 7
EXPRESSING ANGER
As we reflect at our workplace, we must take charge of ourselves and learn how to quit anger. Think about your priority, what is it that you want to accomplish next in your career, and what it will take to do that and if quitting anger will help, why not take this path. Whatever we do in our lives it is our choice, and the choices we make.
In the case of an employee who keeps griping about the bosses and the company decides: “I will lose out on my promotions and bonuses if I fight the management and the best thing to do for my career development is to work along with my bosses.” So the employee will do his best work in spite of his differences with his boss.
Some other ways of dealing with anger is to jog our memory on the source of the anger. If your angry feeling are directed at yourself and you are angry with yourself about something, try to express those feelings to a friend, a colleague or a counselor. Get it off your chest.
If you chose a non-productive way of dealing with anger you would end up bottling it up and hurting yourself emotionally. Sandbagging or keeping the angry feelings to yourself means to avoiding the person who made you angry and sidestepping the issue.
It happens when you fear hurting someone else's feelings and resort to hurting yourself. They may resent it if you express your feelings to them. So, stop talking and try listening.
We know that many people suffer, feeling that no one is able to understand them or their situation.
Everyone is too busy and no one seems to have the capacity to listen. But all of us need someone who can listen to us.
Deep listening, compassionate listening is not listening with the purpose of anlaysing or even uncovering what has happened in the past. You listen first of all in order to give other person relief, a chance to speak out, to feel that someone finally understands him.
Compassion is the antidote for anger and bitterness. If you keep compassion in you while listening, then anger and irritation cannot arise. Otherwise the things he says, the things she says will touch off your irritation, anger and suffering. Compassion alone can protect your from becoming angry or full of despair.
Confusion and ignorane make us think that we are the only ones who suffer. We believe that otherts do not suffer
.....extract ANGER Thich Nhat Hanh, author of Living Buddha, Living Christ
· Demonstrate empathy: Your employee needs to know that you are concerned with his currents productivity problem and want to help resolve it. By approaching him with understanding, you will help him open up to you. He will also feel more optimistic about solving the problem if he knows that he has your support.
· Listen more than you talk: During a counselling session, it is important that you providmore listening than talking. He will appreciate talking to someone who is willing to listen to his situation.
· Encourage listening: Everyone involved in the resolution of a conflict should listen to one an other in order to understand each other’s point of view and seasoning. Those involved will never be able to agree on a suitable resolution unless they are aware of and appreciate the other’s person’s viewpoint. Listening will also expedite the conflict resolution process and enable the employees involved to focus on developing a solution that is acceptable to everyone.
· Identify common goals: One of the most effective ways to resolve a conflict is to identify common goals your employees share. When they see that their efforts are directed towards achieving the same goal, it will be easier to motivate them towards reaching a mutually beneficial solution.
e your staff member plenty of opportunities to express his feeling. Generally, you should do
HEART RATE AND BLOOD PRESSURE
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