Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Saturday, February 7, 2015
profile of Krishna
After being an experienced full time journalist
for the past 25 years, he is currently freelancing for CNN, BBC, Al Jazeera, German, Australian
TV networks and international newspapers, New York Times, TIME magazine, The Age.
While working as an officer at Tenaga Nasional (1969 to 1979), nation’s leading electricity company, Krishna freelanced and wrote news and features for the New Straits Times, Bernama, Far Eastern Economic Review, Malaysia Business and The Economic Bulletin. In March 1973 he obtained his Certificate in Public Relations Professional Examination from the Institute of Public Relations Malaysia. From 1979, he studied communications covering media, print and broadcast at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, and gained his BSc (Hons). Whilst at university he played a prominent role in the Knoxville festivals, cultural events and was a key player in promoting the 1982 World’s Fair. He organised a meeting for student leaders with President Jimmy Carter, an unprecedented event at the university.
Krishna has a proven track record in coaching CEOs, directors-general, chief secretaries to ministries and ambassadors in media relations and crisis communications. His hands on, practical and cutting edge training focuses on building strategic thinking and leadership roles as heads of departments and spokespersons of organisations. His tips on developing excellent communications skills empowers and gears up his trainees for high-level performance. He has successfully designed, developed and delivered high-impact experiential end-to-end trainings. Krishna is self-motivated, resourceful, able to multi-task to manage multiple media relations training and projects. At the same time he works tirelessly on inculcating these qualities among his trainees while striving for continues improvement.
Krishna’s key domain of expertise and experience is in communications in its widest sense. His portfolio encompasses marketing, feature writing, public relations, social media use, writing media releases, copywriting for advertising, script writing, documentary production, speech writing and presentation skills as well as reportimng and production for television. He has worked across a wide range of private sector businesses, including transport, oil and gas, banking, financial services, tourism and pharmaceuticals. In the public sector his experience extends across NGOs, police, the diplomatic service, domestic ministries and in leadership and business forums.
At the same time, he is passionate in providing insight to senior and middle management clients with practical training in communications, public and media relations. As a consultant, he manages and executes reputation management, media and stakeholder relations programmes for both home-grown clients and MNC brands. His new business is developing excellent spokespeople for organisations.
While working as an officer at Tenaga Nasional (1969 to 1979), nation’s leading electricity company, Krishna freelanced and wrote news and features for the New Straits Times, Bernama, Far Eastern Economic Review, Malaysia Business and The Economic Bulletin. In March 1973 he obtained his Certificate in Public Relations Professional Examination from the Institute of Public Relations Malaysia. From 1979, he studied communications covering media, print and broadcast at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, and gained his BSc (Hons). Whilst at university he played a prominent role in the Knoxville festivals, cultural events and was a key player in promoting the 1982 World’s Fair. He organised a meeting for student leaders with President Jimmy Carter, an unprecedented event at the university.
Krishna has a proven track record in coaching CEOs, directors-general, chief secretaries to ministries and ambassadors in media relations and crisis communications. His hands on, practical and cutting edge training focuses on building strategic thinking and leadership roles as heads of departments and spokespersons of organisations. His tips on developing excellent communications skills empowers and gears up his trainees for high-level performance. He has successfully designed, developed and delivered high-impact experiential end-to-end trainings. Krishna is self-motivated, resourceful, able to multi-task to manage multiple media relations training and projects. At the same time he works tirelessly on inculcating these qualities among his trainees while striving for continues improvement.
Krishna’s key domain of expertise and experience is in communications in its widest sense. His portfolio encompasses marketing, feature writing, public relations, social media use, writing media releases, copywriting for advertising, script writing, documentary production, speech writing and presentation skills as well as reportimng and production for television. He has worked across a wide range of private sector businesses, including transport, oil and gas, banking, financial services, tourism and pharmaceuticals. In the public sector his experience extends across NGOs, police, the diplomatic service, domestic ministries and in leadership and business forums.
At the same time, he is passionate in providing insight to senior and middle management clients with practical training in communications, public and media relations. As a consultant, he manages and executes reputation management, media and stakeholder relations programmes for both home-grown clients and MNC brands. His new business is developing excellent spokespeople for organisations.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Smile When Angry
SMILE WHEN ANGRY
CONTROL ANGER BEFORE IT CONTROLS YOU
ANGER HURTS
SMILE, LAUGH AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE
SMILE WHEN ANGRY
I have enjoyed writing this book because my main objective was to “tame” myself when angry thoughts began to take charge of me. I am indeed grateful to my family and friends for the encouraging comments, especially to those who helped me proof read this book.
THE PERILS OF ANGER
Anger gives rise to teeming troubles. It kills the face’s smile and the heart’s joy. Left uncontrolled, it will annihilate you. It burns even friends and family who try to intervene, and easily leads to injuring others.
DEFINITION
What is anger? Google the words anger and definition, and answers.com defines anger as a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility. Some of the synonyms for anger are: rage, fury, ire, wrath, resentment, indignation.
These nouns denote varying degrees of marked displeasure. Anger, the most general, is strong displeasure.
Rage and fury imply intense, explosive, often destructive emotion: smashed the glass in a fit of rage.
Wrath applies especially to anger that seeks vengeance or punishment: saw the flood as a sign of the wrath of God.
Resentment refers to indignant smoldering anger generated by a sense of grievance: deep resentment that led to a strike.
Indignation is righteous anger at something wrongful, unjust, or evil: “public indignation about takeovers causing people to lose their jobs” (Allan Sloan).
Source: www.answers.com
BRIEFLY ANGER IS…explosive or implosive. Explosive is the type of individual who screams at the counter staff for not attending to him. Implosive the counter staff who remains quiet for a few days and finally shoots everyone in the store.
Studies by anger experts propagate that anger is the symptom of a deeper problem. There is a lot of pain and hurt that needs to be addressed. We have to learn how to manage the pain before one explodes.
There are various triggers for anger ranging from mild irritation to violent outbursts. Underneath every anger lies fear. Anger is nothing but a defense mechanism, and sometimes it is directed at protecting one’s ego.
What happens when a person gets angry? Anger stimulates the release of hormones adrenaline and cortisol into the blood stream, which mobilize the body in the short term but can be destructive if chronic.
Pent up anger can also lead to a rise in blood pressure and ulcers. To deal with stress and anger, spend quality time on your own, meditating, taking a cold shower, watch a movie, count 50 backwards, drink cold or warm water, whichever is your preference. The key is to remember is that the temper is the one thing you can’t get rid of by losing it. So, find out the root cause of anger and control anger before it controls YOU.
Some quick tips to manage anger: Don’t jump to conclusions, relax, smile and laugh a lot when angry to bring your temper down and forgive the person who hurt your feelings.
Now, a word of caution: When an emotion begins to cause problems of relationships or hamper you and your family life, it’s advisable to seek the help of a counsellor or an expert who has a successful track record in tackling problems related to anger.
One out of the five Americans has an anger management problem. Anger is a natural human emotion and is nature’s way of our perception of an attack or threat to our well being. The problem is not anger, the problem is the mismanagement of anger. Mismanaged anger and rage is the major cause or conflict in our personal and professional relationships.
Domestic abuse, road rage, workplace violence, divorce, and addiction are just a few examples of what happens when anger is mismanaged
1
SMILE WHEN ANGRY
It’s easy to say SMILE WHEN ANGRY, but difficult to practice, one would argue.
Okay. So do you want anger to take control of yourself? Control anger before it controls you. If you can't control yourself who is to be blamed?
When we are driving, we are in control of the car so that we don't run into an accident. When I am typing this manuscript, I am in control of myself so that I can get the facts and the flow of language right. It is only when I cannot control myself, I get angry.
Anger becomes a habit if we cannot take charge of our own mind. The other day, in a hurry to get to work, I overtook another car and at the traffic lights, the car driver cursed me verbally. I waved at him apologetically, and looked away and smiled looking at the mirror in the car.
Yes! I made a mistake, and I took full responsibility for it as I was reminded of the book that I was writing SMILE WHEN ANGRY.
In whatever situation, I have realised that unchecked anger spoils relationships. Some people have short fuses and explode at the slightest provocation.
It gets worse when I get angry when the coffee spills, lights are not working or my car does not start. Anger can wreak havoc in your life and the lives of those around you unless you take charge of the anger within you.
Can you recall the number of times you have cursed the toaster, the car, the traffic lights and your own personal computer when it does not work. The angrier we get with the computer, the more it seems to crash.
Some distancing is all what it needs for things to get better. While you reboot your computer, you should perhaps do another job, like photocopy or make a drink for yourself or for your colleagues.
Whatever the circumstances, I have survived by practising these self-help techniques in trying NOT to get ANGRY.
· Never argue with angry people. You won't be persuasive, and you're likely to get angry yourself.
· Don't interrupt. Let the anger by someone else run its course.
· Stay loose. Listen.
· If things get bad to worse, draw the line and walk away.
During my schooling days, after a fist fight with friends, my late father told me: "You may be angry, but must you be stupid, and make a fool of yourself and hurt someone else."
He has often reminded me: "Sometimes, it is good to say sorry and make the relationship healthy. Admit or acknowledge that the problem exists as soon as possible."
In whatever we do, we should not make any decisions when we are angry as it will hurt us or others in future.
2
WHERE DID I GO WRONG
I get angry because another person provoked me, lied or said something to agitate me. Looking back at the situation, I ask myself if another person lied, why should I raise my blood pressure and get angry?
Let's examine what went wrong with me. Because the other person did not live up to my expectations, I got angry. Therefore, should I expect everyone to think like me, talk like me and agree with me. Hey! My conscience tells me that’s not a fair thing to do.
Whenever I got angry I would write my feelings down. Most of the material in this book are my jottings and research from my anger journal.
This book is not the answer to solve all problems concerning anger. I cannot provide all the solutions. Only some tips will help you overcome anger. Reading this book alone will not be the “be all and end all” to anger.
Practise! Practise! Practise! What you read. It may be difficult because I am still practising in overcoming moments of anger. When someone makes me angry, I stop for a moment and reflect on my anger. I try not to say or do anything. If I say something provocative, in a fit of anger, I may hurt or damage the relationship.
Using the techniques and ideas proposed, even you will be able to develop new behavioural skills in overcoming anger. Remember the famous Chinese proverb: “What I hear, I forget; what I see; I remember; what I do is what really matters.” It is only through practice of these tips, you will be able to explore yourself what you do in your own life, and put the new ideas on anger in this book into action.
MOVE AWAY WHEN ANGRY
· Do not stay near the person who has provoked you.
· Anger and agitation gets the blood heated up
· It takes three months for the blood to cool down.
· Within that period, the nervous system become weaker and even the blood cells get destroyed.
· Weakness is aggravated and the memory power is reduced.
· Old age sets in prematurely.
3
TALKING PROVOKES ANGER
Provocative words like: "Mind your own business", "Shut up", "I am right you are wrong", "Don’t argue with me", and there are many more that will make anyone angry. So what's the formula not to get angry? Don't talk.
Listen, and if the person has hurt your feelings, let continue talking and tell yourself: "If he or she thinks that I am going to get angry, I will not."
When you’re are in control of your mind nothing rock you or shake you.
To stop irritating yourself or escalate your anger, ask yourself what is it that is annoying you? Go within to review what made you angry. Re-examine the real reason behind your bad mood. Then, smile for a moment, focus on something else and shift your mind to happier moments of life.
People are usually less critical of you than you are of yourself. We are all not perfect, but we can strive for perfection.
Imagine caught in a traffic jam. Feeling stressed or pulling your hair and getting upset will not make the traffic move faster. Though you may have little control over the situation, you can control how you respond.
Take a deep breadth and say mentally: "I'm cool, calm and relaxed," then decide to enjoy the time by meditating or singing along to the radio or switch to do something else so that would switch your attention."
Angry thoughts are often triggered when we have experienced a stressful day. So, if you've been busy all day and still feel stressed, try tensing and then relaxing parts of your body. This is often done in yoga and other exercises.
Start tensing your face, and then move down your body from your shoulders to your feet. Afterwards, do something relaxing like lying down and imagining some beautiful scenic place like the distant sea or some beautiful garden.
4
CONTROLLING ANGER FROM WITHIN
Sometimes when I attend a course to improve myself, I wished my boss or my wife was with me listening to the lecturer.
A close friend and management guru J.M. Sampath said such an attitude would not make any difference in the productivity or efficiency of the company or my personal life. He told me, I should ask myself: "Can I change or am I going to remain the same and blame others?''
"If you don't discover yourself through the process of self-inquiry, nobody else can do it for you.''
The answer, Sampath said, was in "the values an individual practises and being personally responsible for whatever initiatives or actions.''
As a consultant, he said: "I do not make any promise to change your character, attitude or your zest for personal growth.''
Scoffing at management consultants who promise positive changes to executives who attended their programmes, he said: "Change in any individual has to come from within. Don't invite me for any training of employees if you want me to make the change for them.''
Sampath said that he could only provide guidance on why the individual should make changes. "Please don't ask me for prescriptions on increasing your bottomline (profits). It's only the individual who can gain greater control of his or her life, which will later contribute to better profits."
In Sampath's direct approach, he reminds friends like me to stop fault finding with others: "If only I can find fault with myself the way I find fault with others, nobody can stop my growth and I control my anger.''
5
ANGER STARTS WITH YOU
Anger starts and ends with you. Only you can control your mood swings. But, how can I control my anger when another person annoys me?
Yes! Anger can be triggered in a traffic jam, provocative conflict situations, domestic violence, nagging, child abuse, hate, jealousy etc.
Anger cannot harm me. Anger can do more damage than good for me and deplete my energy. As I fear anger may weaken me, I have decided I must change my angry behaviour.
Anger is like electricity. It is powerful and useful but only if it is used intelligently. If we abuse our anger and do and say things it can change our lives completely. So, we must learn to stop ourselves from acting in a moment of madness.
If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is go back and try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist.
If you run after the person you suspect has burned your house, your house will burn down while you are chasing him or her. That is not wise. You must go back and put out the fire.
So when you are angry, if you continue to interact with or argue with the other person, if you try to punish her, you are acting exactly like someone who runs after the arsonist while everything goes up in flames.
Anger is seemingly an uncontrollable “fire” in the mind, anger destroys relationships; careers; health and inner peace.
By controlling anger you will be able to be more level-headed, make better decisions and maintain more self-control. Guard your health by reducing the risks of blood pressure, cardiovascular disease and other stress-related illnesses like diabetes….Minus anger, you will have better relationships with others go for the knockout and win the fight against anger. So, cultivate unconditional love in the heart to eliminate anger.
Nobody can live happily with anger.
SOME POINTERS TO OVERCOME ANGER
· Never argue with angry people.
· You won't be persuasive, and you're likely to get angry yourself.
· Don't interrupt. Let the eruption run its course.
· Summarize what the person is saying, whether you agree or not.
· Stay loose. Listen.
· If the scene gets nasty, end it. Draw the line and walk away.
6
ACCEPT YOU’RE ANGRY
A Vietnamese monk living in France, once said to his students: “Embrace your anger with a lot of tenderness. Your anger is not your enemy; your anger is your baby. It’s like your stomach or your lungs.
Every time you have some trouble in your lungs or stomach, you don’t think of throwing them away. The same is true with your anger. You accept your anger because you know you can take care of it; only you can transform it into positive energy.”
Say mentally to yourself: “My dear anger, I know you are there, I am taking good care of you.” The second phase is to look deeply into the nature of your anger to see how it has to come about.
Some tips on controlling anger:
· When angry withdraw from the place
· Cool your emotion.
· Drink a glass of cold water and sit quietly in a place.
· Take a brisk walk for a mile to get over your anger.
· Stand before a mirror and look at your face.
In Terry Winchester's book Only Your Thoughts Can Upset You, he says: "You may be told that you should express your anger by beating up your pillow. That is all every well, as far as releasing the pent-up tension is concern, but it is not going to cure it. It is also a mistake to learn how to manage your anger because, again, you are only giving it credence and implying that it is okay to live with your ego’s judgement. It is also rather pointless taking tranquillisers, because that would just mask the condition and take away the opportunity to heal yourself. “
“The answer is to take full responsibility for your outburst. It is not due to some outside condition or another person’s wrong doing. It is due to the frustrated expectation. As soon as you blame anything or anyone for your situation you give away your power and alienate yourself from those around you. “
“You are now powerless because they did this thing to you. In fact. they didn’t do anything to you. They just did what they did. They cried out for help and you beat them up! Your cry for love clashed with theirs and you both ended up battered and bruised, if not physically, at least emotionally.”
7
JOY OF FORGIVENESS
What happens when you don’t forgive and carry that anger with you?
Medical doctors and psychiatrists will tell on you: "If you harbour anger, hatred, jealousy and animosity, it will burn inside you and you are likely to have heartburn, indigestion and high blood pressure."
What happens when you forgive and forget?
Meditation and yoga gurus will tell you: “It will bring you joy and you will feel light hearted because you don’t carry a heavy burden in your mind. Forgive with love in your heart. Good thoughts bear good fruit, bad thoughts bear bad fruit."
For a moment reflect on what we do everyday. We bathe, clean ourselves and put on new clothes daily. Shouldn’t we do the same for our mind by cleansing negative thoughts. When you get rid negative of negative thoughts you will create more room for positive thoughts.
There is no greater wealth than a free mind, free of anger, jealously, greed and other negative thought. Anger is like electricity, just as powerful, provided it was properly used
Prisons are full of those who acted in anger.
Ways To Deal With Anger
· Count 1-10
· Calm Breathing
· Talk it out
· Write it out
· Pounding a pillow
· Punch bag
· Physical exercise
· Physical game
· Cold shower
· Check you trigger Thoughts
· Take Time Out
8
ANGER BEGINS AND ENDS WITH YOU
Managing anger is important as it begins and ends with ourselves. We may feel that we are mad at our wife, son or daughter, but really we are the direct objects of our own anger.
Robert Kiyosaki, (pix idea) the 60 year old personal finance guru made millions through his “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” book series and for more than 15 years has been holding lucrative seminars around the world.
Lessons he learned from both success and bankruptcy in that field inspired him to become a “business educator” – and sowed the seeds for his 1997 breakout book “Rich Dad, Poor Dad,” a biographical account of learning about money from his “poor” father and a “rich” neighbour.
When asked by the Asian Wall Street Journal, How do you keep personal problem separate from work?
He responded: “Both my wife and I have a therapist – our rule is, if we are upset of each other for more that 45 minutes, then I go see my counselor, a sort of emotional coach to help get me through my anger. I don’t think I’d be as successfully married if I didn’t have someone I could go talk to.”
When asked, if you could remember any mistake, and change it, what would it be?
“I wouldn’t change too much in my life. Not that I haven’t made many mistakes, it’s just that every mistake was valuable. The biggest, most humiliating experience was (my bankruptcy)…it was really tough to look at what was working and what was not working in my life,” Kiyosaki replied.
Obviously, he contemplated, and went within himself to relearn his mistakes.
Even Gautama Buddha in his great moment of meditation discovered the eight right-fold path in Buddhism
It was under the bodhi tree in India 25 centuries ago that Buddha (pix idea) through his insight realized the three states of the mind were the source of all our unhappiness: wrong knowing, obsessive desire and anger.
All are difficult, but in one instant of anger – one of the most powerful emotions – lives can be ruined, and health and spiritual development can be destroyed.
WHAT HAPPENS TO AN ANGRY PERSON?
· Forgets the lessons of wisdom he has learnt
· Then, loses control over his thoughts and emotions
· Becomes overactive with highly charged ego
· Loses power discrimination, sense of proportion and becomes aggressive and hostile
· When anger becomes second nature physical, health, sense of mental balance and inner peace vanishes
9
BEING A SLAVE TO ANGER
Getting angry is like being a slave to a slave. Do you want to be a slave to your anger? Then the ego that may make you angry will become the master and control you.
Slavery was abolished long ago. No leaders abolished anger. Some people turn to spirituality or religion to control their anger and find solace in it. Others read books and forget it the next day.
While there are others who attend courses and forget two days later. Inner happiness, which is the antidote to anger, can only be found within oneself in you. Patience, compassion and love for others suffering will help people in understanding anger better.
When a person gets angry we say that he has lost his balance. The moment we begin to respect others as well as ourselves than we will be able to put into practice "Treat others as how you would like to be treated."
Many spiritual leaders and psychologists say that the root cause is the "ego".
The very wrong view of ourselves that we are right and the other person is wrong can make us angry.
When I face a problem, I try to see the brighter side of it.
Anger is also triggered when I exaggerate our difficulties. When this happens I will be sowing the seeds for anger to grow in me.
“Thinking of the mistakes of someone else, you can become angry. To face and resist a bad man you have to become even worse than him. So, be careful in pointing out the mistakes of others. If you point out the mistakes of others with one finger, three fingers point towards you.”
STATEMENTS THAT PROVOKE ANGER
· “Stop talking about my family
· “Why are you shouting at the children
· “Money! Money! Money! We are always fighting about money
· “I want you to do it my and not your way?
· ·“Stop picking on me
· “I am not at fault
· “I am right, you are wrong
· “I am sick and tired of you of your nagging
10
TREAT OTHERS LIKE HOW YOU WOULD LIKE TO TREATED
The President of a leading nation stood before a Press Conference. While he was talking the reporters they noticed scratches around his neck above his collar.
Soon after the press conference, the reporters asked the press secretary what caused the bruises around his neck. The press secretary replied the bruises occurred while shaving hurriedly to attend the press conference.
It was a noticeable series of vivid red crawled-like wound on his neck and face. The scratches were among unexplained cuts and bruises he had over the cause of his turbulent marriage.
Later as the reporters investigated further with the Presiden’s office and security personnel, they were told that the First Lady had clawed him because he was seen with another women previous night.
This is a case of how the President’s wife vented her anger because she lost her ‘cool’ and decided to physically hurt her husband.
According to the Presidential staff, screaming, shouting, slamming doors were a norm for The First Lady,
It was unfortunate the President had to take the brawl of his wife’s fury.
What has caused all this?
Anger. This could be one of the main reason the physical hurt and mental agony he had to live with.
What provoke her to scratch or claw her husband is a case of she feeling insecure and the husband being unfaithful.
It is ironical for one of the most powerful leaders in the world to be beaten up by his wife!
It is even more surprising the couple in their early fifties had lived through hair – trigger tempers for more than 20 years.
The sources of this ultimate suffering was because both parties were stuck to their point of views and life style and never wanted to admit their mistakes, faults and weaknesses.
Why do people carry the pain of differences for so long?
What makes relationship work?
· Operate from the ‘higher self’
· Operate from commitment and not complaint
· Lett your identity not depend on others
· Don’t settle scores with others
· Create a bliss body and not a hurt body
· Learn to expand others’ comfort zones and not increase discomfort zone
· Learn to convert a sexual act into a prayerful act
· Create a learning and rejoicing family
· Learn to be a good finder and not a fault-finder
· Present your point of view and not ‘poke’ your point of view
· Focus on togetherness and not difference.
11
FACE THE MIRROR WHEN ANGRY
The next time you get angry look at your face in the mirror. Can you imagine how you would look? You can be rest assured you are not the most beautiful person when you get angry because the cells and muscles on our face become tense and you are not presentable. Your face is like a bomb that is about to explode.
Try and objectively observe another person when he she or gets angry. When you see yourself all tensed up, you have a choice to change your character of getting angry or not getting worked up by anger.
Generally, people get angry for a variety of reasons. Let’s see cases of divorce, decision and destruction. A wife gets angry with the unfaithful husband and it results in a divorce. A multi millionaire husband gets angry in a board meeting, makes a wrong decision and losses a fortune. Their son gets angry with his sister and breaks her toys.
Every action ends up in a negative behaviour and the children have learned how to be angry like their parents. Anger can be experienced several different ways. You can feel angry with yourself for not having done well in the examination, or you can get angry with someone else or an object like your slippers, which made you fall down.
Whether you trip over a carpet or get angry with the shopkeeper, spouse or boyfriend it is anger caused by external circumstances or interaction with another person. Internal anger is directed at yourself for something that you have done yourself and blame yourself for causing it.
Anger is one of the most destructive emotions prevalent among human beings. When a person is in a state of anger or rage, he or she can unleash behaviour that can be aggressive or violent, and it is this that leads to destruction.
THINK OF IT…
Unchecked anger corrodes relationships.Some people have short fuses and explode at the slightest provocation.Others try to bottle up their rage, usually without success. Angry people often use anger to cover up or avoid a threat, a manager's long-term strategy must be to identify the threat.
12
WRITE YOUR ANGER AWAY
One way to overcome anger is to write a journal. This is done with the INTENTION of finding a solution for the problem and COMMITTING yourself to finding it. It’s no use keeping an anger journal for five years and keep getting angry.
Here are three powerful emotions at work in a work place:
Anger: Unchecked anger corrodes relationships. Some people have short fusesand explode at the slightest provocation.
Others try to bottle up their rage, usually without success.
Because angry people often use anger to cover up or avoid a threat, a manager's long-term strategy must be to identify the threat.
For some, it might be a wave of technological change that has left them ill equipped to compete. Among the 40-somethings, the threat might be the fear that their career has peaked.
13
MANAGE ANGER : GO WITHIN
By choosing to manage your anger, you will be able to observe mindfully the painful circumstances that make you angry, and make an effort to change. As only you can observe the changes within your mind’s eye, your personal effort can help in altering anger (negative energy) to being happy (positive energy).
Yes! You must self realise that you have a choice to get angry, and only you can decide for yourself and not anyone else. So, if I lose my cool I get angry. Your choice to get angry or not puts the responsibility for emotions squarely on your own shoulders. That means I don’t have to be a prisoner and be a slave to my emotions.
Getting angry is like being a slave to a slave. Do you want to be a slave to your anger? Then the ego that may make you angry will become the master and control you.
Slavery, which was abolished long ago, is bad enough. That is why it is incorrect to feel angry towards another person. Some people turn to spirituality or religion to control their anger and find solace in it. Others read books and forget it the next day.
While there are others who attend courses and forget two days later. Inner happiness, which is the antidote to anger, can only be found within oneself. Patience, compassion and love for others suffering will help people in understanding anger better.
14
WATCH YOUR EGO
Many spiritual leaders and psychologists say that the root cause of anger is our "ego".
Ego, is very wrong view of ourselves that we are right and the other person is wrong.
When we face a problem, we must try to see the brighter side of it. Anger is also triggered when we exaggerate our difficulties. When this happens we will be sowing the seeds for anger to grow in us.
For us to live happily with our family spouse or with our colleagues, we must ask ourselves, “do I really want to quit anger?”
If I want to quit anger, I must make an agreement with myself that I will do whatever possible not to make me angry.
· Refrain from saying or doing anything that may cause harm. Respect the other person’s feelings, not ridicule him/her.
· Not suppress my anger, but seek a solution.
· Allow enough time for the other person to cool down
· Communicate wisely and calmly with the person who has made me angry.
· Practice mindful breathing.
· Contemplate deeply while sitting, walking, lying down or when mind is idle why you go angry.
· Apologise immediately, if necessary.
15
ANGER: I HAVE A CHOICE
By making anger management a matter of choice, you are reaffirming to yourself: “I may not be stable in the way I think and the way I control my emotions, and it is my choice to be a better person minus my anger.”
Will changing your environment be helpful and only you can decide that by internally sifting or making the choices through your emotional options?
One of the most difficult tasks in overcoming anger is telling yourself or getting rid of your ego: “I am right and the other person is wrong.” If you start with this premise it is not going to help you.
The choices involving quitting anger can be a challenge and it is a difficult one. To let go of the ego is another great challenge. It is the choice we have to make. There are times when you are convinced that you are right but the ego in you haunts you and you do not want to give up, and this may make you angrier.
Quitting your anger means you accept responsibility to drop it. It comes with a price of being patient, tolerant and forgiving others. Letting go your ego and understanding the differences you have with another person is crucial in dropping any angry behaviour.
LET GO EGO
In the case of the daughter and mother/or father who often shout at each other. The daughter resolves within herself to forgive the mother/or father and says to herself: “This angry behaviour of mine cannot go on, and only I will suffer emotionally. I realise if I do not drop anger, I will grow up into an angry person when I grow older.”
In the case of an employee who keeps griping about the bosses and the company decides: “I will lose out on my promotions and bonuses if I fight the management and the best thing to do for my career development is to work along with my bosses.” So the employee will do his best work in spite of his differences with his boss.
16
STOP TALKING, START LISTENING
We know that many people suffer, feeling that no one is able to understand them or their situation. Everyone is too busy and no one seems to have the capacity to listen. But all of us need someone who can listen to us.
Deep listening, compassionate listening is not listening with the purpose of anlaysing or even uncovering what has happened in the past. You listen first of all in order to give other person relief, a chance to speak out, to feel that someone finally understands him.
Compassion is the antidote for anger and bitterness. If you keep compassion in you while listening, then anger and irritation cannot arise. Otherwise the things he says, the things she says will touch off your irritation, anger and suffering. Compassion alone can protect your from becoming angry or full of despair.
Confusion and ignorane make us think that we are the only ones who suffer. We believe that otherts do not suffer
.....extract ANGER Thich Nhat Hanh, author of Living Buddha, Living Christ
· Demonstrate empathy: Your employee needs to know that you are concerned with his currents productivity problem and want to help resolve it. By approaching him with understanding, you will help him open up to you. He will also feel more optimistic about solving the problem if he knows that he has your support.
· Listen more than you talk: During a counselling session, it is important that you provide your staff member plenty of opportunities to express his feeling. Generally, you should do more listening than talking. He will appreciate talking to someone who is willing to listen to his situation.
· Encourage listening: Everyone involved in the resolution of a conflict should listen to one an other in order to understand each other’s point of view and seasoning. Those involved will never be able to agree on a suitable resolution unless they are aware of and appreciate the other’s person’s viewpoint. Listening will also expedite the conflict resolution process and enable the employees involved to focus on developing a solution that is acceptable to everyone.
· Identify common goals: One of the most effective ways to resolve a conflict is to identify common goals your employees share. When they see that their efforts are directed towards achieving the same goal, it will be easier to motivate them towards reaching a mutually beneficial solution.
17
HEART RATE AND BLOOD PRESSURE
I have to ask myself: “Do I want to reach a stage of anger when I cannot control myself and resort to crime.”
If this happens, only I become the loser. And, anger can occur anywhere: at home, work, football game, public places, college and even in a place of worship where people are expected to be calm and relaxed.
Anger at any of these places occurred when man lost control of his mind and has even resorted to killing each other.
Anger takes place because people are not aware of themselves when they get angry. So, how does a person become aware that anger is swelling up in his mind. One way to correct ourselves is to watch others when they get and not ridicule them, but to remind ourselves that is how I will look and get emotionally disturbed when I get angry.
Let’s examine what is anger as we learn to drop the habit of getting angry. Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger.
Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones like adrenaline.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES Some simple steps you can try:Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut." Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. Non strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
EVIL EFFECTS OF ANGER
· Forgets the lessons of wisdom he has learnt in life.
· Loses control over his thoughts and emotions.
· Becomes overactive, with his highly charged ego as his only guide.
· Loses his power of discrimination, sense of proportion and inner peace vanishes.
· Anger can destroy friendship, families, business partnership, professional prospects.
· Communal and ethnic riots, arsons, wars, suicide, murder and many other forms of crimes are basically products of anger.
18
BETTER COMMUNICATION
The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses.
Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, instead slow down and think carefully about what you want to say.
At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
"It's because of lack of introspection - never spending time alone to reflect - and the absence of communication channels with those nearest to us; no quality time spent on learning to communicate with each other," says Prabhu Dina, who also teaches meditation.Often courting couples spend a lot of time communicating privately and writing letters - but once they marry, all intimate communication stops - no time, they say - and tempers flare over the smallest issue.Healthy communication reduces this problem.
Using humour, can also help to defuse anger as humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense or stressful situation.
LEARN TO MANAGE STRESS
· Stress is no good. You cannot stay focused. Meet deadlines. Face new challenges.
· Stress is single largest silent killer of this millennium.
· Stress is counter-productive.
· Stress can damage sleeplessness.
· Stress can make you lose you concentration.
· Stress can lead to high-blood pressure, heart disease, arthritis, depression and more chronic diseases.
19
MY MISSION STATEMENT
I must wake up to the dawn of day
Say Thank You Lord for giving me another Great day
To help myself, family, friends and strangers.
When I wake up at the dawn of day
I must not forget to meditate, jog my mind with good thoughts,
And exercise my body and mind to perform good deeds for the day.
As I do my yoga stretching and bathing my cells
With a flush of blood nourishing every cell in my body,
I must for a moment ponder for peace for the rest of the world.
Like the cells in my body, may the people around the world
Start their day with noble thoughts and proactive initiatives
Wanting to help everyone they come into contact with.
So Lord, hold me by my hand and lead me through this land
Loving, caring and serving everyone I come in contact with
To see, do and get what will bring them happiness.
And, if I do falter, please halt
My wrong thoughts, actions and ego
To stop me from hurting anyone’s feeling.
From dawn to dusk, every step or movement or action
I must self-improve my conduct and character, and
Help and guide others to do the same without hurting their feelings.
This is my humble mission in life
To live, learn, love and leave a legacy
As I interact with my family, friends and colleagues daily.
20
108 WAYS TO COOL DOWN
ANGER : BEAT IT!!!
108 ways to tame you… Let’s do it
· Keep smiling, speak softly, lovingly and calmly
· Say to yourself: “I choose not to get angry ”because anger will only destroy meaningful relationships with family members, friends and colleagues
· Let go of bad feelings and recall good feelings
· Look at your facial expression in the mirror when you get angry and practise silence
· When you notice anger on the rise within you, move away
· When you become angry, take 3 deep breaths and take charge of yourself
· Withdraw yourself from the moment of anger
· Cool off: “Just as long as I keep my cool I’m in control”
· Stay calm and relaxed: Don’t let his /her opinion affect you
· Do not stay near the person who has angered you and don’t dwell on past anger provoking problems
· Remember! Getting upset won’t help, so avoid situations that make you angry
· There’s nothing to be gained in getting angry as it is a normal human emotion, but it has to be controlled in order for us to lead a happy life
· Psyche yourself: “I’m not going to let him/her get me”
· Say what you want to say without anger
· Stay rational and calm: Anger won’t solve anything, neither will sarcasm
· Understand that people have different views
· Listen attentively. Hear what a person is really trying to say and respond positively
· Ask yourself why you want to get angry: locate the source of anger
· Tranquility and peace can only be found in the heart and not else where
· Avoid confrontation: Anger, guilt and hurt feelings escalate if you are thinking of taking revenge
· Think of ways to diffuse anger because anger creates toxins in the blood and this is not good for health .So try using humor to diffuse anger.
· Apologize or say “sorry,” if it’s your mistake, especially if you have done something wrong
· Admit ignorance if you are not conversant in the subject
· Never be afraid to admit what you don’t know
· Try to help and explain from your inner experience
· Don’t assume the person is insincere or challenge him if he says something to make you angry
· Make life-long friends through sincere relationships
· Be open-minded and respond with a smile if a person is confrontational
· Interact in a friendly manner and avoid being shy
· Respect another person’s approach to his or her cultural or religious beliefs
· Exercise your power of discrimination on why you should get angry
· Focus on your feelings and ask yourself “How can anger hurt you?”
· Try to understand the feelings of the other person before saying anything to him or her
· Develop an attitude of getting along with people
· Avoid misunderstandings as they may lead to conflict
· Grow an antenna not horns
· Replace defensive behavior: admit it, we are all different and have our own differences. So, try to see things from another person’s point of view
· Anger can be eliminated through love and your forgiveness
· Be cool, relaxed and be in control of yourself
· If you harbor anger, it can result in bad thoughts. Therefore, think before you act or say something
· Avoid arguing as it is a waste of time
· Try not to be emotional as it does not help
· Stop arguing about who is right. I argue because I think you are wrong.
· When my observation is wrong my interpretations is wrong and therefore I will conclude wrongly.
· Be assertive
· Withdraw-exit response-Count 1-10
· Yeah! Pound a pillow or punch a bag
· Take 5: Exercise, play a game, take a cold shower or drink cold water
· Take time out when the other person gets angry
· Check what triggers anger thoughts so that you will be able to control it next time you get angry
· Do not crave for recognition and respect from others
· A sound body ensures a sound mind, so eat right and stay healthy
· Good feelings play a vital role in eliminating anger
· Try forgiving others who have hurt you
· Do not seek to discover the evil in others
· Do not succumb to your senses that provokes anger
· Do not be petty and take failure coolly
· Treat others like how you wish to be treated
· When anger gets you, go for a brisk walk
· Don’t carry any grudges in your mind
· Never be rigid in your thinking
· Stop challenging and arguing with another person’s point of view
· Learn how to manage anger
· Express anger feelings to a friend to get angry feelings off your chest. Consult a psychologist, psychiatrist or counselor of anger begins to bother you
· Speak to a colleague or counselor
· Don’t bottle up your anger and keep those feelings inside
· Expressing angry feelings is a lot easier if we trust someone
· Avoid the person who you are angry with when anger gets you
· Do not horn at traffic jams to make others angry
· Trust your feelings and let your feelings out
· Stop nagging, sulking or snapping at friends
· Stop worrying or brooding on personal problems
· Get rid of bad memories that trigger angry feelings
· Don’t criticize anything or make cynical comments
· Let angry feelings subside before you respond to an angry person
· Reduce emotional feelings and avoid people that enrage
· Control your responses and reactions
· Don’t curse, throw things or hurt anyone
· Expect the unexpected to minimize frustration if demands aren’t met as disappointments can swell up angry feelings
· Develop strategies to fight anger
· Don’t humiliate people
· Remind yourself people are not out there to get you, even if they want to
· Don’t demand for things the way you want it; fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness etc
· Believe in yourself that every problem has a solution: focus on finding the solution
· Listen attentively to what the other person is saying
· Take your time before answering
· Call and speak to someone when you get angry
· Imagine, draw a picture or illustrations of the sequence of you getting angry. Keep updating your journal of angry moments and what provoked your anger, and how you overcome it
· Don’t look at what infuriates you
· Find alternatives if anger frustrates you when you drive
· Treat all equally regardless of caste or creed: recognize the brotherhood and sisters
· Curb envy and jealousy: Help ever hurt never
· Pray to be a cool person: look for the good in others
· Read widely to expand your knowledge to help yourself self improve in anger management
NOTE: If you get angry often and if most of these tips do not work for you focus on yourself and see the trend/pattern of your anger. This method of self introspection may help you to discover the roots of your anger.
21
ANGER COMES IN A SPLIT SECOND
Anger is a huge part of Dina Das life. In his teens he punched a hole in his sister’s room door and it still reminds him of his violent days. Now, at 46, he has made a career out of anger. He lectures on anger management, which he does for free because it is “pay back time” to convert angry people to peace-loving people.
“There is that split second between getting angry and remaining composed,” says Dina, a personality development speaker.
“It only takes a split second to get angry, and that same split second can be used to avert anger. If anger is not checked, there could be more accidents on road and fatal road rage incidents.
“If the angry person can make that split second last for two seconds by taking a deep breath, he can conquer anger,” says Dina who also motivates children through human values courses.
“Some sure signs of anger are nostrils flaring, breathing changes and increase in heart beat. Practise the opposite to be cool-headed – make a vow while you are calm, to be silent every time you detect anger beginning to surge in you.
“Take a deep breath, and in two seconds ask yourself what the consequences would be if you raise your voice, get angry or offend someone else. Generally, no good at all ever comes out of words spoken in a rage.”
He says that the only consequence of words spoken in a fit of anger is permanent damage to the relationship with that person because of the hurt and humiliation caused.
“Anger’s not a problem once you take precautions not to hurt others because of your rage. When you are angry – shut up, and move away.”
The secret, he says, is to never speak while one is overcome by anger or uncontrolled emotions.
“Excuse yourself humbly. Then ask yourself why you are getting angry. Get to the real root of what is troubling you and work that out.”
Some psychologists say that it is our own faults that we subconsciously see reflected in others, which makes us spontaneously dislike them.
Why are we sometimes so patient with our colleagues at work, yet are so short-tempered with family members at home?
“It’s because of lack of introspection – never spending time alone to reflect – and the absence of communication channels with those nearest to us; no quality time spent on learning to communicate with each other,” says Dina, who also teaches meditation.
Often courting couples spend a lot of time communicating privately and writing letters – but once they marry, all intimate communication stops – no time, they say – and tempers flare over the smallest issues.
Healthy communication reduces this problem.
When trying to resolve an issue with another person, Dina says staying cool prevents provocation and heated arguments. Subsequently, take steps within your power to solve the problem, and then wait for a response. “The ball, and possibly the whole game itself, is now in the other person’s court.”
He says that keeping quiet would also pacify the other person. “It takes two hands to clap.
“However, if the other person continues to be an irritant, take another deep breath and psyche yourself not to get angry, and leave the scene. Consider taking a long walk or a cold bath or doing some gardening.”
Dina adds that turning one’s weakness into a strength by not allowing fits of anger is the key to being peaceful with oneself.
Actor Russell Crowe was arrested in June 2005 for allegedly throwing a telephone at an employee of a hotel in New York. It only takes a split second to get angry, and that same split second can be used to avert anger.
‘Never speak when one is overcome by anger or uncontrolled emotions.’
Anger need not ruin your life. All it takes is two seconds to think before you act
Tell-tale signs
Anger can also occur in abusive situations. Young people and even adults need to know how to identify whether a prospective boyfriend or girlfriend could become angry and abusive. Some questions to ask might include: Does the person seem too good to be true? Come from a violent family? Get angry and throw things? Have a criminal record? Abuse drugs and alcohol? Hate their mother or father? Was he or she abusive in previous relationships?
You may be in an abusive relationship if your partner, and the following are some tell-tale signs:
· Gets extremely jealous or possessive.
· Accuses you of flirting or cheating.
· Constantly checks up on you or makes you check in.
· Tells you how to dress.
· Tries to control what you do or who you see.
· Tries to keep you from seeing or talking to friends or family.
· Has big mood swings, being angry and loud one minute and sweet and apologetic the next.
· Makes you feel nervous or like you’re walking on eggshells.
· Puts you down and makes you feel as if you can’t do anything right or that nobody else would want to be with you.
· Threatens to hurt you, your family or friends.
· Threatens to commit suicide or hurt himself or herself because of you.
· Threatens to hurt your pets or destroy your things.
· Yells, grabs, pushes, shoves, shakes, punches, slaps, holds you down, throws things or hurts you in any way.
· Breaks or throws things when you argue.
· Pressures or forces you to have sex or go further than you want to.
Source: LAT-WP
“From anger, comes delusion; from delusion loss of memory; from loss of memory the destruction of discrimination; from destruction of discrimination he perishes.”
--Bhagawad Gita
Anger the main cause of murder
Sub Head: Arguments often lead to killing
ARGUMENTS that get out of control – that is the main factor leading to murder in Malaysia, said Internal Security Ministry parliamentary secretary Datuk Abu Seman Yusop.
The lack of control during arguments between friends, couples, parents and children, and motorists is the number one cause of killings.
“It always begins as an argument. Then, many end up as murder because the parties concerned lose their temper.
“So remember to control your emotions and temper. Think of the consequences in not doing so.
“Count to three if you must, but please control yourself,” he said, adding that there had been 20 murder cases resulting from arguments in the first two months of the year.
Other instances of murder were connected to robbery, revenge, jealousy, insanity and rape, he told a press conference at the Parliament lobby.
However, Abu Seman said there was a drop in the number of murder cases reported in the country, compared with the first two months of last year.
There were 102 cases in 2004 and 76 this year.
“This shows a difference of 26 cases or a 25.4% drop.
“So although the public may perceive that the police haven’t got the situation under control, the data shows that the police are doing their job.
“Everything is under control. Our country is still safe and tourists need not fear or be wary,” he said.
Earlier, Abu Seman, replying to Lim Hock Seng (DAP – Bagan), said murder suspects were mainly locals.
The ratio between locals and foreigners who were murder suspects, recorded in January and February this year, was 67 to 43, he said.
On April 3, 2005, Singaporeans were reminded of their seven deadly sins when they opened The Sunday Times in the morning. Guess what topped the list…ANGER. The others were: lust; sloth; pride; gluttony; greed; and envy.
Off all the sins, lust is the one that Singaporeans commit least often, an SPH survey revealed. The article said: “Singaporeans are angry and greedy, and whe it comes to lust, well it’s just too much effort.”
“Losing your temper can often he an embarrassing experience. Lose it in public and you’ll get curious stares. Have an outburst at home and it’ll set the neighbours talking.”
“Anger is above all others, the emotion most people are expected to bottle up.”
CONTROL ANGER BEFORE IT CONTROLS YOU
ANGER HURTS
SMILE, LAUGH AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE
SMILE WHEN ANGRY
I have enjoyed writing this book because my main objective was to “tame” myself when angry thoughts began to take charge of me. I am indeed grateful to my family and friends for the encouraging comments, especially to those who helped me proof read this book.
THE PERILS OF ANGER
Anger gives rise to teeming troubles. It kills the face’s smile and the heart’s joy. Left uncontrolled, it will annihilate you. It burns even friends and family who try to intervene, and easily leads to injuring others.
DEFINITION
What is anger? Google the words anger and definition, and answers.com defines anger as a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility. Some of the synonyms for anger are: rage, fury, ire, wrath, resentment, indignation.
These nouns denote varying degrees of marked displeasure. Anger, the most general, is strong displeasure.
Rage and fury imply intense, explosive, often destructive emotion: smashed the glass in a fit of rage.
Wrath applies especially to anger that seeks vengeance or punishment: saw the flood as a sign of the wrath of God.
Resentment refers to indignant smoldering anger generated by a sense of grievance: deep resentment that led to a strike.
Indignation is righteous anger at something wrongful, unjust, or evil: “public indignation about takeovers causing people to lose their jobs” (Allan Sloan).
Source: www.answers.com
BRIEFLY ANGER IS…explosive or implosive. Explosive is the type of individual who screams at the counter staff for not attending to him. Implosive the counter staff who remains quiet for a few days and finally shoots everyone in the store.
Studies by anger experts propagate that anger is the symptom of a deeper problem. There is a lot of pain and hurt that needs to be addressed. We have to learn how to manage the pain before one explodes.
There are various triggers for anger ranging from mild irritation to violent outbursts. Underneath every anger lies fear. Anger is nothing but a defense mechanism, and sometimes it is directed at protecting one’s ego.
What happens when a person gets angry? Anger stimulates the release of hormones adrenaline and cortisol into the blood stream, which mobilize the body in the short term but can be destructive if chronic.
Pent up anger can also lead to a rise in blood pressure and ulcers. To deal with stress and anger, spend quality time on your own, meditating, taking a cold shower, watch a movie, count 50 backwards, drink cold or warm water, whichever is your preference. The key is to remember is that the temper is the one thing you can’t get rid of by losing it. So, find out the root cause of anger and control anger before it controls YOU.
Some quick tips to manage anger: Don’t jump to conclusions, relax, smile and laugh a lot when angry to bring your temper down and forgive the person who hurt your feelings.
Now, a word of caution: When an emotion begins to cause problems of relationships or hamper you and your family life, it’s advisable to seek the help of a counsellor or an expert who has a successful track record in tackling problems related to anger.
One out of the five Americans has an anger management problem. Anger is a natural human emotion and is nature’s way of our perception of an attack or threat to our well being. The problem is not anger, the problem is the mismanagement of anger. Mismanaged anger and rage is the major cause or conflict in our personal and professional relationships.
Domestic abuse, road rage, workplace violence, divorce, and addiction are just a few examples of what happens when anger is mismanaged
1
SMILE WHEN ANGRY
It’s easy to say SMILE WHEN ANGRY, but difficult to practice, one would argue.
Okay. So do you want anger to take control of yourself? Control anger before it controls you. If you can't control yourself who is to be blamed?
When we are driving, we are in control of the car so that we don't run into an accident. When I am typing this manuscript, I am in control of myself so that I can get the facts and the flow of language right. It is only when I cannot control myself, I get angry.
Anger becomes a habit if we cannot take charge of our own mind. The other day, in a hurry to get to work, I overtook another car and at the traffic lights, the car driver cursed me verbally. I waved at him apologetically, and looked away and smiled looking at the mirror in the car.
Yes! I made a mistake, and I took full responsibility for it as I was reminded of the book that I was writing SMILE WHEN ANGRY.
In whatever situation, I have realised that unchecked anger spoils relationships. Some people have short fuses and explode at the slightest provocation.
It gets worse when I get angry when the coffee spills, lights are not working or my car does not start. Anger can wreak havoc in your life and the lives of those around you unless you take charge of the anger within you.
Can you recall the number of times you have cursed the toaster, the car, the traffic lights and your own personal computer when it does not work. The angrier we get with the computer, the more it seems to crash.
Some distancing is all what it needs for things to get better. While you reboot your computer, you should perhaps do another job, like photocopy or make a drink for yourself or for your colleagues.
Whatever the circumstances, I have survived by practising these self-help techniques in trying NOT to get ANGRY.
· Never argue with angry people. You won't be persuasive, and you're likely to get angry yourself.
· Don't interrupt. Let the anger by someone else run its course.
· Stay loose. Listen.
· If things get bad to worse, draw the line and walk away.
During my schooling days, after a fist fight with friends, my late father told me: "You may be angry, but must you be stupid, and make a fool of yourself and hurt someone else."
He has often reminded me: "Sometimes, it is good to say sorry and make the relationship healthy. Admit or acknowledge that the problem exists as soon as possible."
In whatever we do, we should not make any decisions when we are angry as it will hurt us or others in future.
2
WHERE DID I GO WRONG
I get angry because another person provoked me, lied or said something to agitate me. Looking back at the situation, I ask myself if another person lied, why should I raise my blood pressure and get angry?
Let's examine what went wrong with me. Because the other person did not live up to my expectations, I got angry. Therefore, should I expect everyone to think like me, talk like me and agree with me. Hey! My conscience tells me that’s not a fair thing to do.
Whenever I got angry I would write my feelings down. Most of the material in this book are my jottings and research from my anger journal.
This book is not the answer to solve all problems concerning anger. I cannot provide all the solutions. Only some tips will help you overcome anger. Reading this book alone will not be the “be all and end all” to anger.
Practise! Practise! Practise! What you read. It may be difficult because I am still practising in overcoming moments of anger. When someone makes me angry, I stop for a moment and reflect on my anger. I try not to say or do anything. If I say something provocative, in a fit of anger, I may hurt or damage the relationship.
Using the techniques and ideas proposed, even you will be able to develop new behavioural skills in overcoming anger. Remember the famous Chinese proverb: “What I hear, I forget; what I see; I remember; what I do is what really matters.” It is only through practice of these tips, you will be able to explore yourself what you do in your own life, and put the new ideas on anger in this book into action.
MOVE AWAY WHEN ANGRY
· Do not stay near the person who has provoked you.
· Anger and agitation gets the blood heated up
· It takes three months for the blood to cool down.
· Within that period, the nervous system become weaker and even the blood cells get destroyed.
· Weakness is aggravated and the memory power is reduced.
· Old age sets in prematurely.
3
TALKING PROVOKES ANGER
Provocative words like: "Mind your own business", "Shut up", "I am right you are wrong", "Don’t argue with me", and there are many more that will make anyone angry. So what's the formula not to get angry? Don't talk.
Listen, and if the person has hurt your feelings, let continue talking and tell yourself: "If he or she thinks that I am going to get angry, I will not."
When you’re are in control of your mind nothing rock you or shake you.
To stop irritating yourself or escalate your anger, ask yourself what is it that is annoying you? Go within to review what made you angry. Re-examine the real reason behind your bad mood. Then, smile for a moment, focus on something else and shift your mind to happier moments of life.
People are usually less critical of you than you are of yourself. We are all not perfect, but we can strive for perfection.
Imagine caught in a traffic jam. Feeling stressed or pulling your hair and getting upset will not make the traffic move faster. Though you may have little control over the situation, you can control how you respond.
Take a deep breadth and say mentally: "I'm cool, calm and relaxed," then decide to enjoy the time by meditating or singing along to the radio or switch to do something else so that would switch your attention."
Angry thoughts are often triggered when we have experienced a stressful day. So, if you've been busy all day and still feel stressed, try tensing and then relaxing parts of your body. This is often done in yoga and other exercises.
Start tensing your face, and then move down your body from your shoulders to your feet. Afterwards, do something relaxing like lying down and imagining some beautiful scenic place like the distant sea or some beautiful garden.
4
CONTROLLING ANGER FROM WITHIN
Sometimes when I attend a course to improve myself, I wished my boss or my wife was with me listening to the lecturer.
A close friend and management guru J.M. Sampath said such an attitude would not make any difference in the productivity or efficiency of the company or my personal life. He told me, I should ask myself: "Can I change or am I going to remain the same and blame others?''
"If you don't discover yourself through the process of self-inquiry, nobody else can do it for you.''
The answer, Sampath said, was in "the values an individual practises and being personally responsible for whatever initiatives or actions.''
As a consultant, he said: "I do not make any promise to change your character, attitude or your zest for personal growth.''
Scoffing at management consultants who promise positive changes to executives who attended their programmes, he said: "Change in any individual has to come from within. Don't invite me for any training of employees if you want me to make the change for them.''
Sampath said that he could only provide guidance on why the individual should make changes. "Please don't ask me for prescriptions on increasing your bottomline (profits). It's only the individual who can gain greater control of his or her life, which will later contribute to better profits."
In Sampath's direct approach, he reminds friends like me to stop fault finding with others: "If only I can find fault with myself the way I find fault with others, nobody can stop my growth and I control my anger.''
5
ANGER STARTS WITH YOU
Anger starts and ends with you. Only you can control your mood swings. But, how can I control my anger when another person annoys me?
Yes! Anger can be triggered in a traffic jam, provocative conflict situations, domestic violence, nagging, child abuse, hate, jealousy etc.
Anger cannot harm me. Anger can do more damage than good for me and deplete my energy. As I fear anger may weaken me, I have decided I must change my angry behaviour.
Anger is like electricity. It is powerful and useful but only if it is used intelligently. If we abuse our anger and do and say things it can change our lives completely. So, we must learn to stop ourselves from acting in a moment of madness.
If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is go back and try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist.
If you run after the person you suspect has burned your house, your house will burn down while you are chasing him or her. That is not wise. You must go back and put out the fire.
So when you are angry, if you continue to interact with or argue with the other person, if you try to punish her, you are acting exactly like someone who runs after the arsonist while everything goes up in flames.
Anger is seemingly an uncontrollable “fire” in the mind, anger destroys relationships; careers; health and inner peace.
By controlling anger you will be able to be more level-headed, make better decisions and maintain more self-control. Guard your health by reducing the risks of blood pressure, cardiovascular disease and other stress-related illnesses like diabetes….Minus anger, you will have better relationships with others go for the knockout and win the fight against anger. So, cultivate unconditional love in the heart to eliminate anger.
Nobody can live happily with anger.
SOME POINTERS TO OVERCOME ANGER
· Never argue with angry people.
· You won't be persuasive, and you're likely to get angry yourself.
· Don't interrupt. Let the eruption run its course.
· Summarize what the person is saying, whether you agree or not.
· Stay loose. Listen.
· If the scene gets nasty, end it. Draw the line and walk away.
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ACCEPT YOU’RE ANGRY
A Vietnamese monk living in France, once said to his students: “Embrace your anger with a lot of tenderness. Your anger is not your enemy; your anger is your baby. It’s like your stomach or your lungs.
Every time you have some trouble in your lungs or stomach, you don’t think of throwing them away. The same is true with your anger. You accept your anger because you know you can take care of it; only you can transform it into positive energy.”
Say mentally to yourself: “My dear anger, I know you are there, I am taking good care of you.” The second phase is to look deeply into the nature of your anger to see how it has to come about.
Some tips on controlling anger:
· When angry withdraw from the place
· Cool your emotion.
· Drink a glass of cold water and sit quietly in a place.
· Take a brisk walk for a mile to get over your anger.
· Stand before a mirror and look at your face.
In Terry Winchester's book Only Your Thoughts Can Upset You, he says: "You may be told that you should express your anger by beating up your pillow. That is all every well, as far as releasing the pent-up tension is concern, but it is not going to cure it. It is also a mistake to learn how to manage your anger because, again, you are only giving it credence and implying that it is okay to live with your ego’s judgement. It is also rather pointless taking tranquillisers, because that would just mask the condition and take away the opportunity to heal yourself. “
“The answer is to take full responsibility for your outburst. It is not due to some outside condition or another person’s wrong doing. It is due to the frustrated expectation. As soon as you blame anything or anyone for your situation you give away your power and alienate yourself from those around you. “
“You are now powerless because they did this thing to you. In fact. they didn’t do anything to you. They just did what they did. They cried out for help and you beat them up! Your cry for love clashed with theirs and you both ended up battered and bruised, if not physically, at least emotionally.”
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JOY OF FORGIVENESS
What happens when you don’t forgive and carry that anger with you?
Medical doctors and psychiatrists will tell on you: "If you harbour anger, hatred, jealousy and animosity, it will burn inside you and you are likely to have heartburn, indigestion and high blood pressure."
What happens when you forgive and forget?
Meditation and yoga gurus will tell you: “It will bring you joy and you will feel light hearted because you don’t carry a heavy burden in your mind. Forgive with love in your heart. Good thoughts bear good fruit, bad thoughts bear bad fruit."
For a moment reflect on what we do everyday. We bathe, clean ourselves and put on new clothes daily. Shouldn’t we do the same for our mind by cleansing negative thoughts. When you get rid negative of negative thoughts you will create more room for positive thoughts.
There is no greater wealth than a free mind, free of anger, jealously, greed and other negative thought. Anger is like electricity, just as powerful, provided it was properly used
Prisons are full of those who acted in anger.
Ways To Deal With Anger
· Count 1-10
· Calm Breathing
· Talk it out
· Write it out
· Pounding a pillow
· Punch bag
· Physical exercise
· Physical game
· Cold shower
· Check you trigger Thoughts
· Take Time Out
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ANGER BEGINS AND ENDS WITH YOU
Managing anger is important as it begins and ends with ourselves. We may feel that we are mad at our wife, son or daughter, but really we are the direct objects of our own anger.
Robert Kiyosaki, (pix idea) the 60 year old personal finance guru made millions through his “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” book series and for more than 15 years has been holding lucrative seminars around the world.
Lessons he learned from both success and bankruptcy in that field inspired him to become a “business educator” – and sowed the seeds for his 1997 breakout book “Rich Dad, Poor Dad,” a biographical account of learning about money from his “poor” father and a “rich” neighbour.
When asked by the Asian Wall Street Journal, How do you keep personal problem separate from work?
He responded: “Both my wife and I have a therapist – our rule is, if we are upset of each other for more that 45 minutes, then I go see my counselor, a sort of emotional coach to help get me through my anger. I don’t think I’d be as successfully married if I didn’t have someone I could go talk to.”
When asked, if you could remember any mistake, and change it, what would it be?
“I wouldn’t change too much in my life. Not that I haven’t made many mistakes, it’s just that every mistake was valuable. The biggest, most humiliating experience was (my bankruptcy)…it was really tough to look at what was working and what was not working in my life,” Kiyosaki replied.
Obviously, he contemplated, and went within himself to relearn his mistakes.
Even Gautama Buddha in his great moment of meditation discovered the eight right-fold path in Buddhism
It was under the bodhi tree in India 25 centuries ago that Buddha (pix idea) through his insight realized the three states of the mind were the source of all our unhappiness: wrong knowing, obsessive desire and anger.
All are difficult, but in one instant of anger – one of the most powerful emotions – lives can be ruined, and health and spiritual development can be destroyed.
WHAT HAPPENS TO AN ANGRY PERSON?
· Forgets the lessons of wisdom he has learnt
· Then, loses control over his thoughts and emotions
· Becomes overactive with highly charged ego
· Loses power discrimination, sense of proportion and becomes aggressive and hostile
· When anger becomes second nature physical, health, sense of mental balance and inner peace vanishes
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BEING A SLAVE TO ANGER
Getting angry is like being a slave to a slave. Do you want to be a slave to your anger? Then the ego that may make you angry will become the master and control you.
Slavery was abolished long ago. No leaders abolished anger. Some people turn to spirituality or religion to control their anger and find solace in it. Others read books and forget it the next day.
While there are others who attend courses and forget two days later. Inner happiness, which is the antidote to anger, can only be found within oneself in you. Patience, compassion and love for others suffering will help people in understanding anger better.
When a person gets angry we say that he has lost his balance. The moment we begin to respect others as well as ourselves than we will be able to put into practice "Treat others as how you would like to be treated."
Many spiritual leaders and psychologists say that the root cause is the "ego".
The very wrong view of ourselves that we are right and the other person is wrong can make us angry.
When I face a problem, I try to see the brighter side of it.
Anger is also triggered when I exaggerate our difficulties. When this happens I will be sowing the seeds for anger to grow in me.
“Thinking of the mistakes of someone else, you can become angry. To face and resist a bad man you have to become even worse than him. So, be careful in pointing out the mistakes of others. If you point out the mistakes of others with one finger, three fingers point towards you.”
STATEMENTS THAT PROVOKE ANGER
· “Stop talking about my family
· “Why are you shouting at the children
· “Money! Money! Money! We are always fighting about money
· “I want you to do it my and not your way?
· ·“Stop picking on me
· “I am not at fault
· “I am right, you are wrong
· “I am sick and tired of you of your nagging
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TREAT OTHERS LIKE HOW YOU WOULD LIKE TO TREATED
The President of a leading nation stood before a Press Conference. While he was talking the reporters they noticed scratches around his neck above his collar.
Soon after the press conference, the reporters asked the press secretary what caused the bruises around his neck. The press secretary replied the bruises occurred while shaving hurriedly to attend the press conference.
It was a noticeable series of vivid red crawled-like wound on his neck and face. The scratches were among unexplained cuts and bruises he had over the cause of his turbulent marriage.
Later as the reporters investigated further with the Presiden’s office and security personnel, they were told that the First Lady had clawed him because he was seen with another women previous night.
This is a case of how the President’s wife vented her anger because she lost her ‘cool’ and decided to physically hurt her husband.
According to the Presidential staff, screaming, shouting, slamming doors were a norm for The First Lady,
It was unfortunate the President had to take the brawl of his wife’s fury.
What has caused all this?
Anger. This could be one of the main reason the physical hurt and mental agony he had to live with.
What provoke her to scratch or claw her husband is a case of she feeling insecure and the husband being unfaithful.
It is ironical for one of the most powerful leaders in the world to be beaten up by his wife!
It is even more surprising the couple in their early fifties had lived through hair – trigger tempers for more than 20 years.
The sources of this ultimate suffering was because both parties were stuck to their point of views and life style and never wanted to admit their mistakes, faults and weaknesses.
Why do people carry the pain of differences for so long?
What makes relationship work?
· Operate from the ‘higher self’
· Operate from commitment and not complaint
· Lett your identity not depend on others
· Don’t settle scores with others
· Create a bliss body and not a hurt body
· Learn to expand others’ comfort zones and not increase discomfort zone
· Learn to convert a sexual act into a prayerful act
· Create a learning and rejoicing family
· Learn to be a good finder and not a fault-finder
· Present your point of view and not ‘poke’ your point of view
· Focus on togetherness and not difference.
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FACE THE MIRROR WHEN ANGRY
The next time you get angry look at your face in the mirror. Can you imagine how you would look? You can be rest assured you are not the most beautiful person when you get angry because the cells and muscles on our face become tense and you are not presentable. Your face is like a bomb that is about to explode.
Try and objectively observe another person when he she or gets angry. When you see yourself all tensed up, you have a choice to change your character of getting angry or not getting worked up by anger.
Generally, people get angry for a variety of reasons. Let’s see cases of divorce, decision and destruction. A wife gets angry with the unfaithful husband and it results in a divorce. A multi millionaire husband gets angry in a board meeting, makes a wrong decision and losses a fortune. Their son gets angry with his sister and breaks her toys.
Every action ends up in a negative behaviour and the children have learned how to be angry like their parents. Anger can be experienced several different ways. You can feel angry with yourself for not having done well in the examination, or you can get angry with someone else or an object like your slippers, which made you fall down.
Whether you trip over a carpet or get angry with the shopkeeper, spouse or boyfriend it is anger caused by external circumstances or interaction with another person. Internal anger is directed at yourself for something that you have done yourself and blame yourself for causing it.
Anger is one of the most destructive emotions prevalent among human beings. When a person is in a state of anger or rage, he or she can unleash behaviour that can be aggressive or violent, and it is this that leads to destruction.
THINK OF IT…
Unchecked anger corrodes relationships.Some people have short fuses and explode at the slightest provocation.Others try to bottle up their rage, usually without success. Angry people often use anger to cover up or avoid a threat, a manager's long-term strategy must be to identify the threat.
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WRITE YOUR ANGER AWAY
One way to overcome anger is to write a journal. This is done with the INTENTION of finding a solution for the problem and COMMITTING yourself to finding it. It’s no use keeping an anger journal for five years and keep getting angry.
Here are three powerful emotions at work in a work place:
Anger: Unchecked anger corrodes relationships. Some people have short fusesand explode at the slightest provocation.
Others try to bottle up their rage, usually without success.
Because angry people often use anger to cover up or avoid a threat, a manager's long-term strategy must be to identify the threat.
For some, it might be a wave of technological change that has left them ill equipped to compete. Among the 40-somethings, the threat might be the fear that their career has peaked.
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MANAGE ANGER : GO WITHIN
By choosing to manage your anger, you will be able to observe mindfully the painful circumstances that make you angry, and make an effort to change. As only you can observe the changes within your mind’s eye, your personal effort can help in altering anger (negative energy) to being happy (positive energy).
Yes! You must self realise that you have a choice to get angry, and only you can decide for yourself and not anyone else. So, if I lose my cool I get angry. Your choice to get angry or not puts the responsibility for emotions squarely on your own shoulders. That means I don’t have to be a prisoner and be a slave to my emotions.
Getting angry is like being a slave to a slave. Do you want to be a slave to your anger? Then the ego that may make you angry will become the master and control you.
Slavery, which was abolished long ago, is bad enough. That is why it is incorrect to feel angry towards another person. Some people turn to spirituality or religion to control their anger and find solace in it. Others read books and forget it the next day.
While there are others who attend courses and forget two days later. Inner happiness, which is the antidote to anger, can only be found within oneself. Patience, compassion and love for others suffering will help people in understanding anger better.
14
WATCH YOUR EGO
Many spiritual leaders and psychologists say that the root cause of anger is our "ego".
Ego, is very wrong view of ourselves that we are right and the other person is wrong.
When we face a problem, we must try to see the brighter side of it. Anger is also triggered when we exaggerate our difficulties. When this happens we will be sowing the seeds for anger to grow in us.
For us to live happily with our family spouse or with our colleagues, we must ask ourselves, “do I really want to quit anger?”
If I want to quit anger, I must make an agreement with myself that I will do whatever possible not to make me angry.
· Refrain from saying or doing anything that may cause harm. Respect the other person’s feelings, not ridicule him/her.
· Not suppress my anger, but seek a solution.
· Allow enough time for the other person to cool down
· Communicate wisely and calmly with the person who has made me angry.
· Practice mindful breathing.
· Contemplate deeply while sitting, walking, lying down or when mind is idle why you go angry.
· Apologise immediately, if necessary.
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ANGER: I HAVE A CHOICE
By making anger management a matter of choice, you are reaffirming to yourself: “I may not be stable in the way I think and the way I control my emotions, and it is my choice to be a better person minus my anger.”
Will changing your environment be helpful and only you can decide that by internally sifting or making the choices through your emotional options?
One of the most difficult tasks in overcoming anger is telling yourself or getting rid of your ego: “I am right and the other person is wrong.” If you start with this premise it is not going to help you.
The choices involving quitting anger can be a challenge and it is a difficult one. To let go of the ego is another great challenge. It is the choice we have to make. There are times when you are convinced that you are right but the ego in you haunts you and you do not want to give up, and this may make you angrier.
Quitting your anger means you accept responsibility to drop it. It comes with a price of being patient, tolerant and forgiving others. Letting go your ego and understanding the differences you have with another person is crucial in dropping any angry behaviour.
LET GO EGO
In the case of the daughter and mother/or father who often shout at each other. The daughter resolves within herself to forgive the mother/or father and says to herself: “This angry behaviour of mine cannot go on, and only I will suffer emotionally. I realise if I do not drop anger, I will grow up into an angry person when I grow older.”
In the case of an employee who keeps griping about the bosses and the company decides: “I will lose out on my promotions and bonuses if I fight the management and the best thing to do for my career development is to work along with my bosses.” So the employee will do his best work in spite of his differences with his boss.
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STOP TALKING, START LISTENING
We know that many people suffer, feeling that no one is able to understand them or their situation. Everyone is too busy and no one seems to have the capacity to listen. But all of us need someone who can listen to us.
Deep listening, compassionate listening is not listening with the purpose of anlaysing or even uncovering what has happened in the past. You listen first of all in order to give other person relief, a chance to speak out, to feel that someone finally understands him.
Compassion is the antidote for anger and bitterness. If you keep compassion in you while listening, then anger and irritation cannot arise. Otherwise the things he says, the things she says will touch off your irritation, anger and suffering. Compassion alone can protect your from becoming angry or full of despair.
Confusion and ignorane make us think that we are the only ones who suffer. We believe that otherts do not suffer
.....extract ANGER Thich Nhat Hanh, author of Living Buddha, Living Christ
· Demonstrate empathy: Your employee needs to know that you are concerned with his currents productivity problem and want to help resolve it. By approaching him with understanding, you will help him open up to you. He will also feel more optimistic about solving the problem if he knows that he has your support.
· Listen more than you talk: During a counselling session, it is important that you provide your staff member plenty of opportunities to express his feeling. Generally, you should do more listening than talking. He will appreciate talking to someone who is willing to listen to his situation.
· Encourage listening: Everyone involved in the resolution of a conflict should listen to one an other in order to understand each other’s point of view and seasoning. Those involved will never be able to agree on a suitable resolution unless they are aware of and appreciate the other’s person’s viewpoint. Listening will also expedite the conflict resolution process and enable the employees involved to focus on developing a solution that is acceptable to everyone.
· Identify common goals: One of the most effective ways to resolve a conflict is to identify common goals your employees share. When they see that their efforts are directed towards achieving the same goal, it will be easier to motivate them towards reaching a mutually beneficial solution.
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HEART RATE AND BLOOD PRESSURE
I have to ask myself: “Do I want to reach a stage of anger when I cannot control myself and resort to crime.”
If this happens, only I become the loser. And, anger can occur anywhere: at home, work, football game, public places, college and even in a place of worship where people are expected to be calm and relaxed.
Anger at any of these places occurred when man lost control of his mind and has even resorted to killing each other.
Anger takes place because people are not aware of themselves when they get angry. So, how does a person become aware that anger is swelling up in his mind. One way to correct ourselves is to watch others when they get and not ridicule them, but to remind ourselves that is how I will look and get emotionally disturbed when I get angry.
Let’s examine what is anger as we learn to drop the habit of getting angry. Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger.
Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones like adrenaline.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES Some simple steps you can try:Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut." Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. Non strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
EVIL EFFECTS OF ANGER
· Forgets the lessons of wisdom he has learnt in life.
· Loses control over his thoughts and emotions.
· Becomes overactive, with his highly charged ego as his only guide.
· Loses his power of discrimination, sense of proportion and inner peace vanishes.
· Anger can destroy friendship, families, business partnership, professional prospects.
· Communal and ethnic riots, arsons, wars, suicide, murder and many other forms of crimes are basically products of anger.
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BETTER COMMUNICATION
The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses.
Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, instead slow down and think carefully about what you want to say.
At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
"It's because of lack of introspection - never spending time alone to reflect - and the absence of communication channels with those nearest to us; no quality time spent on learning to communicate with each other," says Prabhu Dina, who also teaches meditation.Often courting couples spend a lot of time communicating privately and writing letters - but once they marry, all intimate communication stops - no time, they say - and tempers flare over the smallest issue.Healthy communication reduces this problem.
Using humour, can also help to defuse anger as humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense or stressful situation.
LEARN TO MANAGE STRESS
· Stress is no good. You cannot stay focused. Meet deadlines. Face new challenges.
· Stress is single largest silent killer of this millennium.
· Stress is counter-productive.
· Stress can damage sleeplessness.
· Stress can make you lose you concentration.
· Stress can lead to high-blood pressure, heart disease, arthritis, depression and more chronic diseases.
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MY MISSION STATEMENT
I must wake up to the dawn of day
Say Thank You Lord for giving me another Great day
To help myself, family, friends and strangers.
When I wake up at the dawn of day
I must not forget to meditate, jog my mind with good thoughts,
And exercise my body and mind to perform good deeds for the day.
As I do my yoga stretching and bathing my cells
With a flush of blood nourishing every cell in my body,
I must for a moment ponder for peace for the rest of the world.
Like the cells in my body, may the people around the world
Start their day with noble thoughts and proactive initiatives
Wanting to help everyone they come into contact with.
So Lord, hold me by my hand and lead me through this land
Loving, caring and serving everyone I come in contact with
To see, do and get what will bring them happiness.
And, if I do falter, please halt
My wrong thoughts, actions and ego
To stop me from hurting anyone’s feeling.
From dawn to dusk, every step or movement or action
I must self-improve my conduct and character, and
Help and guide others to do the same without hurting their feelings.
This is my humble mission in life
To live, learn, love and leave a legacy
As I interact with my family, friends and colleagues daily.
20
108 WAYS TO COOL DOWN
ANGER : BEAT IT!!!
108 ways to tame you… Let’s do it
· Keep smiling, speak softly, lovingly and calmly
· Say to yourself: “I choose not to get angry ”because anger will only destroy meaningful relationships with family members, friends and colleagues
· Let go of bad feelings and recall good feelings
· Look at your facial expression in the mirror when you get angry and practise silence
· When you notice anger on the rise within you, move away
· When you become angry, take 3 deep breaths and take charge of yourself
· Withdraw yourself from the moment of anger
· Cool off: “Just as long as I keep my cool I’m in control”
· Stay calm and relaxed: Don’t let his /her opinion affect you
· Do not stay near the person who has angered you and don’t dwell on past anger provoking problems
· Remember! Getting upset won’t help, so avoid situations that make you angry
· There’s nothing to be gained in getting angry as it is a normal human emotion, but it has to be controlled in order for us to lead a happy life
· Psyche yourself: “I’m not going to let him/her get me”
· Say what you want to say without anger
· Stay rational and calm: Anger won’t solve anything, neither will sarcasm
· Understand that people have different views
· Listen attentively. Hear what a person is really trying to say and respond positively
· Ask yourself why you want to get angry: locate the source of anger
· Tranquility and peace can only be found in the heart and not else where
· Avoid confrontation: Anger, guilt and hurt feelings escalate if you are thinking of taking revenge
· Think of ways to diffuse anger because anger creates toxins in the blood and this is not good for health .So try using humor to diffuse anger.
· Apologize or say “sorry,” if it’s your mistake, especially if you have done something wrong
· Admit ignorance if you are not conversant in the subject
· Never be afraid to admit what you don’t know
· Try to help and explain from your inner experience
· Don’t assume the person is insincere or challenge him if he says something to make you angry
· Make life-long friends through sincere relationships
· Be open-minded and respond with a smile if a person is confrontational
· Interact in a friendly manner and avoid being shy
· Respect another person’s approach to his or her cultural or religious beliefs
· Exercise your power of discrimination on why you should get angry
· Focus on your feelings and ask yourself “How can anger hurt you?”
· Try to understand the feelings of the other person before saying anything to him or her
· Develop an attitude of getting along with people
· Avoid misunderstandings as they may lead to conflict
· Grow an antenna not horns
· Replace defensive behavior: admit it, we are all different and have our own differences. So, try to see things from another person’s point of view
· Anger can be eliminated through love and your forgiveness
· Be cool, relaxed and be in control of yourself
· If you harbor anger, it can result in bad thoughts. Therefore, think before you act or say something
· Avoid arguing as it is a waste of time
· Try not to be emotional as it does not help
· Stop arguing about who is right. I argue because I think you are wrong.
· When my observation is wrong my interpretations is wrong and therefore I will conclude wrongly.
· Be assertive
· Withdraw-exit response-Count 1-10
· Yeah! Pound a pillow or punch a bag
· Take 5: Exercise, play a game, take a cold shower or drink cold water
· Take time out when the other person gets angry
· Check what triggers anger thoughts so that you will be able to control it next time you get angry
· Do not crave for recognition and respect from others
· A sound body ensures a sound mind, so eat right and stay healthy
· Good feelings play a vital role in eliminating anger
· Try forgiving others who have hurt you
· Do not seek to discover the evil in others
· Do not succumb to your senses that provokes anger
· Do not be petty and take failure coolly
· Treat others like how you wish to be treated
· When anger gets you, go for a brisk walk
· Don’t carry any grudges in your mind
· Never be rigid in your thinking
· Stop challenging and arguing with another person’s point of view
· Learn how to manage anger
· Express anger feelings to a friend to get angry feelings off your chest. Consult a psychologist, psychiatrist or counselor of anger begins to bother you
· Speak to a colleague or counselor
· Don’t bottle up your anger and keep those feelings inside
· Expressing angry feelings is a lot easier if we trust someone
· Avoid the person who you are angry with when anger gets you
· Do not horn at traffic jams to make others angry
· Trust your feelings and let your feelings out
· Stop nagging, sulking or snapping at friends
· Stop worrying or brooding on personal problems
· Get rid of bad memories that trigger angry feelings
· Don’t criticize anything or make cynical comments
· Let angry feelings subside before you respond to an angry person
· Reduce emotional feelings and avoid people that enrage
· Control your responses and reactions
· Don’t curse, throw things or hurt anyone
· Expect the unexpected to minimize frustration if demands aren’t met as disappointments can swell up angry feelings
· Develop strategies to fight anger
· Don’t humiliate people
· Remind yourself people are not out there to get you, even if they want to
· Don’t demand for things the way you want it; fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness etc
· Believe in yourself that every problem has a solution: focus on finding the solution
· Listen attentively to what the other person is saying
· Take your time before answering
· Call and speak to someone when you get angry
· Imagine, draw a picture or illustrations of the sequence of you getting angry. Keep updating your journal of angry moments and what provoked your anger, and how you overcome it
· Don’t look at what infuriates you
· Find alternatives if anger frustrates you when you drive
· Treat all equally regardless of caste or creed: recognize the brotherhood and sisters
· Curb envy and jealousy: Help ever hurt never
· Pray to be a cool person: look for the good in others
· Read widely to expand your knowledge to help yourself self improve in anger management
NOTE: If you get angry often and if most of these tips do not work for you focus on yourself and see the trend/pattern of your anger. This method of self introspection may help you to discover the roots of your anger.
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ANGER COMES IN A SPLIT SECOND
Anger is a huge part of Dina Das life. In his teens he punched a hole in his sister’s room door and it still reminds him of his violent days. Now, at 46, he has made a career out of anger. He lectures on anger management, which he does for free because it is “pay back time” to convert angry people to peace-loving people.
“There is that split second between getting angry and remaining composed,” says Dina, a personality development speaker.
“It only takes a split second to get angry, and that same split second can be used to avert anger. If anger is not checked, there could be more accidents on road and fatal road rage incidents.
“If the angry person can make that split second last for two seconds by taking a deep breath, he can conquer anger,” says Dina who also motivates children through human values courses.
“Some sure signs of anger are nostrils flaring, breathing changes and increase in heart beat. Practise the opposite to be cool-headed – make a vow while you are calm, to be silent every time you detect anger beginning to surge in you.
“Take a deep breath, and in two seconds ask yourself what the consequences would be if you raise your voice, get angry or offend someone else. Generally, no good at all ever comes out of words spoken in a rage.”
He says that the only consequence of words spoken in a fit of anger is permanent damage to the relationship with that person because of the hurt and humiliation caused.
“Anger’s not a problem once you take precautions not to hurt others because of your rage. When you are angry – shut up, and move away.”
The secret, he says, is to never speak while one is overcome by anger or uncontrolled emotions.
“Excuse yourself humbly. Then ask yourself why you are getting angry. Get to the real root of what is troubling you and work that out.”
Some psychologists say that it is our own faults that we subconsciously see reflected in others, which makes us spontaneously dislike them.
Why are we sometimes so patient with our colleagues at work, yet are so short-tempered with family members at home?
“It’s because of lack of introspection – never spending time alone to reflect – and the absence of communication channels with those nearest to us; no quality time spent on learning to communicate with each other,” says Dina, who also teaches meditation.
Often courting couples spend a lot of time communicating privately and writing letters – but once they marry, all intimate communication stops – no time, they say – and tempers flare over the smallest issues.
Healthy communication reduces this problem.
When trying to resolve an issue with another person, Dina says staying cool prevents provocation and heated arguments. Subsequently, take steps within your power to solve the problem, and then wait for a response. “The ball, and possibly the whole game itself, is now in the other person’s court.”
He says that keeping quiet would also pacify the other person. “It takes two hands to clap.
“However, if the other person continues to be an irritant, take another deep breath and psyche yourself not to get angry, and leave the scene. Consider taking a long walk or a cold bath or doing some gardening.”
Dina adds that turning one’s weakness into a strength by not allowing fits of anger is the key to being peaceful with oneself.
Actor Russell Crowe was arrested in June 2005 for allegedly throwing a telephone at an employee of a hotel in New York. It only takes a split second to get angry, and that same split second can be used to avert anger.
‘Never speak when one is overcome by anger or uncontrolled emotions.’
Anger need not ruin your life. All it takes is two seconds to think before you act
Tell-tale signs
Anger can also occur in abusive situations. Young people and even adults need to know how to identify whether a prospective boyfriend or girlfriend could become angry and abusive. Some questions to ask might include: Does the person seem too good to be true? Come from a violent family? Get angry and throw things? Have a criminal record? Abuse drugs and alcohol? Hate their mother or father? Was he or she abusive in previous relationships?
You may be in an abusive relationship if your partner, and the following are some tell-tale signs:
· Gets extremely jealous or possessive.
· Accuses you of flirting or cheating.
· Constantly checks up on you or makes you check in.
· Tells you how to dress.
· Tries to control what you do or who you see.
· Tries to keep you from seeing or talking to friends or family.
· Has big mood swings, being angry and loud one minute and sweet and apologetic the next.
· Makes you feel nervous or like you’re walking on eggshells.
· Puts you down and makes you feel as if you can’t do anything right or that nobody else would want to be with you.
· Threatens to hurt you, your family or friends.
· Threatens to commit suicide or hurt himself or herself because of you.
· Threatens to hurt your pets or destroy your things.
· Yells, grabs, pushes, shoves, shakes, punches, slaps, holds you down, throws things or hurts you in any way.
· Breaks or throws things when you argue.
· Pressures or forces you to have sex or go further than you want to.
Source: LAT-WP
“From anger, comes delusion; from delusion loss of memory; from loss of memory the destruction of discrimination; from destruction of discrimination he perishes.”
--Bhagawad Gita
Anger the main cause of murder
Sub Head: Arguments often lead to killing
ARGUMENTS that get out of control – that is the main factor leading to murder in Malaysia, said Internal Security Ministry parliamentary secretary Datuk Abu Seman Yusop.
The lack of control during arguments between friends, couples, parents and children, and motorists is the number one cause of killings.
“It always begins as an argument. Then, many end up as murder because the parties concerned lose their temper.
“So remember to control your emotions and temper. Think of the consequences in not doing so.
“Count to three if you must, but please control yourself,” he said, adding that there had been 20 murder cases resulting from arguments in the first two months of the year.
Other instances of murder were connected to robbery, revenge, jealousy, insanity and rape, he told a press conference at the Parliament lobby.
However, Abu Seman said there was a drop in the number of murder cases reported in the country, compared with the first two months of last year.
There were 102 cases in 2004 and 76 this year.
“This shows a difference of 26 cases or a 25.4% drop.
“So although the public may perceive that the police haven’t got the situation under control, the data shows that the police are doing their job.
“Everything is under control. Our country is still safe and tourists need not fear or be wary,” he said.
Earlier, Abu Seman, replying to Lim Hock Seng (DAP – Bagan), said murder suspects were mainly locals.
The ratio between locals and foreigners who were murder suspects, recorded in January and February this year, was 67 to 43, he said.
On April 3, 2005, Singaporeans were reminded of their seven deadly sins when they opened The Sunday Times in the morning. Guess what topped the list…ANGER. The others were: lust; sloth; pride; gluttony; greed; and envy.
Off all the sins, lust is the one that Singaporeans commit least often, an SPH survey revealed. The article said: “Singaporeans are angry and greedy, and whe it comes to lust, well it’s just too much effort.”
“Losing your temper can often he an embarrassing experience. Lose it in public and you’ll get curious stares. Have an outburst at home and it’ll set the neighbours talking.”
“Anger is above all others, the emotion most people are expected to bottle up.”
Saturday, August 29, 2009
ONE MALAYSIA SONG
CLICK LINK
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chHjU6du01o
Saturday August 29, 2009/METRO
A song for Merdeka
“LIVING in Harmony” is the theme of a 1Malaysia song composed and sung by teenagers.
The students said their song was aimed at fostering unity, love, peace and harmony to commemorate the birth of our nation 52 years ago.
The soundtrack’s lyrics focus on “One Voice, One Nation, One Malaysia” and “We love Malaysia” just as the first Prime Minister, Tunku Abdul Rahman, had envisioned.
Twin sisters K. Rashmika and K. Raanita, 14, and music major V. Vishal, 18, are the trio behind the song.
They had missed the deadline and opportunity to participate in the One Malaysia song competition organised by RTM and Astro, and this, they said, had made them even more determined to complete the song for National Day.
“Music is a window to the heart and soul of a person. This song, especially when sung by us teenagers, is bound to strike a chord in the hearts of Malaysians,” said the trio, who support Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak’s 1Malaysia concept.
Showing their love for Malaysia through song: (From left) Rashmika, Vishal and Raanita are firm believers in the 1Malaysia concept.
“It was Mika and Nita who first told me about the song title – One Malaysia – and asked me for help on the lyrics written by their dad.
“We got together and made changes to the lyrics, improving them in the way we thought would make them appeal most to the younger generation of Malaysians,” said Vishal, who composed the song.
“I thought it would be good for Mika, Nita and me to sing about our lovely country this Merdeka and express our views, say how we live as Malaysians and love Malaysia,” Vishal added.
Rashmika said music could bring the people together and the 1Malaysia could unite them.
“When I first read about the Prime Minister’s idea of 1Malaysia in the newspapers, I thought he was right to bring all the races together.
“I felt that a change was needed for our future, and we, as part of the younger generation, needed to make this happen. The future of our nation is in our hands as the children of Malaysia,” she said.
The trio practised singing the song together for about a month, she added.
“As Malaysians, we are one big family and we must learn to respect each other. If we can live in peace and harmony, then Malaysia will be a great nation.
“It is time that every one started singing songs of unity and being proud to be Malaysians. Singing the songs with inspire us to work towards bringing the various races closer to one another,” Raanita said, adding that she was grateful for the opportunity to sing the song with Vishal and Mika.
The trio want to spread their message to fellow Malaysians.
“We plan to give it to Astro, RTM, Media Prima and radio stations to spread the word on unity, peace and harmony among Malaysians.
“We hope the radio and television stations air our song,” they said.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chHjU6du01o
Saturday August 29, 2009/METRO
A song for Merdeka
“LIVING in Harmony” is the theme of a 1Malaysia song composed and sung by teenagers.
The students said their song was aimed at fostering unity, love, peace and harmony to commemorate the birth of our nation 52 years ago.
The soundtrack’s lyrics focus on “One Voice, One Nation, One Malaysia” and “We love Malaysia” just as the first Prime Minister, Tunku Abdul Rahman, had envisioned.
Twin sisters K. Rashmika and K. Raanita, 14, and music major V. Vishal, 18, are the trio behind the song.
They had missed the deadline and opportunity to participate in the One Malaysia song competition organised by RTM and Astro, and this, they said, had made them even more determined to complete the song for National Day.
“Music is a window to the heart and soul of a person. This song, especially when sung by us teenagers, is bound to strike a chord in the hearts of Malaysians,” said the trio, who support Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak’s 1Malaysia concept.
Showing their love for Malaysia through song: (From left) Rashmika, Vishal and Raanita are firm believers in the 1Malaysia concept.
“It was Mika and Nita who first told me about the song title – One Malaysia – and asked me for help on the lyrics written by their dad.
“We got together and made changes to the lyrics, improving them in the way we thought would make them appeal most to the younger generation of Malaysians,” said Vishal, who composed the song.
“I thought it would be good for Mika, Nita and me to sing about our lovely country this Merdeka and express our views, say how we live as Malaysians and love Malaysia,” Vishal added.
Rashmika said music could bring the people together and the 1Malaysia could unite them.
“When I first read about the Prime Minister’s idea of 1Malaysia in the newspapers, I thought he was right to bring all the races together.
“I felt that a change was needed for our future, and we, as part of the younger generation, needed to make this happen. The future of our nation is in our hands as the children of Malaysia,” she said.
The trio practised singing the song together for about a month, she added.
“As Malaysians, we are one big family and we must learn to respect each other. If we can live in peace and harmony, then Malaysia will be a great nation.
“It is time that every one started singing songs of unity and being proud to be Malaysians. Singing the songs with inspire us to work towards bringing the various races closer to one another,” Raanita said, adding that she was grateful for the opportunity to sing the song with Vishal and Mika.
The trio want to spread their message to fellow Malaysians.
“We plan to give it to Astro, RTM, Media Prima and radio stations to spread the word on unity, peace and harmony among Malaysians.
“We hope the radio and television stations air our song,” they said.
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